aerasio

Waxing Melancholic...

2009-08-15T22:32:00.000-05:00

It's difficult to get by a with a little help from your friends when they all seem so absent...

In the Land of One's Birth

2009-01-04T02:34:00.001-06:00

Two and a half years goes by quickly, at least in hindsight. Then again everything does. Being able to power through memories at the speed of thought will do that to them I guess.

I've changed... alot... but in many ways I'm still the same: unsure of myself, appearing to be confident when really I don't feel very confident at all. I've made mistakes too; wasted chances, wasted time, wasted friendships and (deeply to my regret) hurt other people... I couldn't apologize more for it...

I am different though... the way I view the world and my relations with other people has changed... grown. God has blessed me with friendship, love and experience in these past two years, and for this I am grateful.

I don't know what'll happen in the future, but I know that I can look back on my time in America with fondness and love, and that counts for something I think.

Now that I'm back in Singapore, I'm hopeful. I don't want to waste time. I will not waste my experiences. I want to grow as I have grown before, and learn as I have learnt before, and I pray that all of you can do the same.

So to 2009, and this new phase in my life: here's hoping you'll be something awesome.

Eternal Business

2008-12-02T00:32:00.001-06:00

Jeremy is up to his eyeballs in work. Leisurely thought will resume come January... maybe...

A Thought

2008-10-25T02:08:00.003-05:00

I feel hopeful, about things. Though the troubles and worries I've been dealing with lately haven't really gone away, and though there are yet many hurdles and mountains to overcome and surmount; I feel a kind of peace.

While I don't know if things will work out in the short run, or if I'll be able to handle all the things that are being piled unto my plate or if I'll be able to progress and move beyond all the things I've been trying to move beyond for the past couple months:

I know that God will carry me through it all, and that knowledge alone is enough for me...

I just felt like that needed to be said, both for my own sake, and for the sake of whoever should read this. Trust in him, and he will carry you through...

Later...

A Reflection on the Difficulty of Being

2008-10-21T01:14:00.003-05:00

If I would try to describe my daily struggle with faith, it would be difficult at best to find the words suited to the task. They exist surely, but I have neither the knowledge nor self-awareness to procure them at ease. However, the vocabulary of the matter is hardly the most pressing difficulty one is presented with.

As a person who was born and raised in what could be characterized as a ‘Christian household’, I like to think that 'faith' is something I (and the people around me) am familiar with. I often consider myself to be morally righteous; certainly I rarely conceive of my own thoughts as being fallacious or ethically flawed. I often presume the ethical virtue of my thoughts without investigating or considering them. Yet, it seems to me that this is normal in society. The few fellows I have related my thoughts to often agree with my conclusions, rarely challenging the premises upon which they stand; and I for my part take comfort in this agreement, and reflect it by responding in a likewise manner. In this way, we perpetuate our self-righteousness, continuing on without anxious and thorough deliberation of our own inner thoughts. Such constant self-reflection would surely be tiring; and so we dispense with it, and are content to continue thinking what we will.

However, lately I have begun challenging this ease with which I conducted the affairs of my mind. As a socialized individual I had learnt to discount certain tendencies of my nature. One learns as a child that walking around unclothed is ‘bad’; that swearing is frowned upon, and so on… We ignore these urges within ourselves, and learn to restrain them. However, it seems to me that we never really cleanse them from our minds; and though we might not partake of them daily, we are never truly free of our desire toward them. We merely learn to control them, to ignore them. Thus, they persist within our minds, and daily nudge and tug at our consciousness, hiding safe in the folds of our self-righteousness till they are called out and confronted. It is (for me at least) easy to think that one is faithful; it is far harder to confront the clear and present evidence of one’s own lack of faith and then genuinely progress.

Which brings me back to the story of my own faith: I had always thought that despite my failings as an individual, I possessed at least on some tiny level some measure of faith. I had my moments of doubt, my instants of weakness, but all in all, I thought I did alright by myself. Now I find myself disabused of this notion; and I am finding it difficult at best to conjure a means to confront it. As an aspiring ‘Knight of Faith’, I find it demoralizing to see that in many ways I have hardly moved beyond the aesthetic, if at all. Like de Silencio, I am amazed at the story of Abraham, and I am convinced that being capable of genuine faith is a thing of wonder. Yet, I do not know how to make that movement, or where I should even begin. I no longer wish to move beyond faith, and yet being confronted with it I am now unsure of how to proceed.

I am concerned also with Kierkegaard’s conception of the ‘movement of infinite resignation’. It seemed to me at first that this would be the natural step to take in order to progress toward the ideal of the ‘Knight of Faith’; to make the leap and move beyond the present stage and into the next. However, on closer inspection of the profound size of that leap, I found myself doubting my own ability to best it. As Kierkegaard describes in Fear and Trembling, the ‘Knight of Infinite Resignation’ is “sufficient to oneself”. “It is only the lower natures who have the law for their actions in someone else, the premises for their actions outside themselves.” To be able to reconcile oneself to the realities of the finite and move from desires that are transient to those that are eternal: would that not be enviable? Yet I find myself at a loss as to how I should go about doing even this. It seems simple enough to conceptualize what I am doing wrong in this respect; but given the emotional and sub-conscious requirements of the goal, I find it difficult to say how I can begin to do things right.

So how does one move beyond the present and progress? In pondering this, I considered the following: Must we understand fully the point at which we wish to arrive (in other words the ideal) or must we first become self-aware (that is, aware of one’s current intentions, motivations and core beliefs, implying thorough deliberation and clarity on the matter)? Further, is understanding this ideal necessary to becoming self-aware (does knowing the goal we are striving for help us make sense of our imperfect selves); or does this knowledge colour our thinking and prevent us from seeing what we truly are? If we are unaware of what the ideal is, how can we understand how we are flawed? Conversely, if we are looking for flaws, might we overlook our virtues? Moving even further, is complete self-awareness actually possible? If I as a person am a ‘subject’ and thus cannot be understood by ‘objective’ means, is there some personal state that I can be ‘self-aware’ of: and if so is this awareness necessary for progress? Without any answers, I returned to the original question.

Now, it seems to me that there is one possible step, though it may not be a definitive enough answer for some (including at times myself). That is, to attempt a movement. Regardless of whether that movement is small or large, visible or invisible, the fundamental requisite of progress seems to me to be a willingness to take a step in the first place, even if it is in the wrong direction. Just as Kierkegaard believed that action was an integral part of personhood (or being), and just as faith (and progress toward it and through it) was an integral part of his being: so too is action an integral part of my faith and being (at the very least, I believe this should be the case). Though I may not make the leap between stages in these movements, I hope that they take me closer to them at the least.

But what of God; it seems odd to speak of faith and yet not mention its subject. In all these things it is clear to me that my understanding is faulty, and incomplete. In every instance it is shown to me that my resolve is lacking and my foundation on shaky ground. Yet, through it all, God carries me through the difficulties of being, and inspires hope that tomorrow will be a brighter day. For me, God is the anchor in an uncertain world; the moral compass in a reality that has none. At the end of it, it seems to me that the point of my struggle is to get closer to that ideal, that relationship with a living God. To say that one has “fought the good fight and kept the faith”, surely that is the struggle of a godly life. Thus, while I place no confidence in my own abilities, I pray (and place faith in that prayer) that God will see me through to the goal; regardless of the shape or form that goal will take in my life.

One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?" Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

Matthew 22: 35-40 (New International Version)

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I wrote this for my religion class, and am happy to say that it was one of the rare moments in my college career where the assignment I turned in genuinely reflected my feelings about the material at the time. I love religion classes xD

Inconclusive Random Subscript

2008-10-16T02:49:00.005-05:00

Jeremy suddenly wants to take pictures of all things musical. He wonders idly if music can be adequately expressed in a visual format, especially one such as photography, but notes that his original thought was not for artistic expression, but rather simply because he thought it would be pretty cool to get pictures of himself enjoying music.

Because he does... enjoy music that is.

And the random thought floating through his head was: "wouldn't it be awesome to just post a bunch of pictures of myself rocking out with friends and have some cool album name and put it on Facebook or something... yeah that'd be awesome!" It branched off from there to a general sentiment of 'music is cool!' thus allowing him to completely ignore the task at hand of... uhh what was it again?

As you, the informed reader, probably can tell, the glut of sudden posts is a side effect of severe acute procrastination syndrome (and maybe some ADD). The author is a chronic sufferer.

Announcement

2008-10-16T02:11:00.002-05:00

Jeremy has joined a band and has a gig on the 1st of November. He's excited.

He has blisters and a broken, bleeding nail from playing bass for said band. Incidentally, he also had a four hour practice with said band and now has to write a 4-6 page religion paper that's due at 9:40am tomorrow. He's rather unhappy about this.

That's all he has to say for now; wish him luck with his paper...

Thought of the Day

2008-10-04T14:52:00.001-05:00

I sometimes wish I had a pet so that I could take it on walks and make witty asides to myself without looking like an idiot/lunatic.

I'm such a nutjob...

A Violation of Liberty? (Data-mining)

2008-10-01T15:46:00.003-05:00

The following is a recent article in the online edition of the Economist:

IF A Muslim chemistry graduate takes an ill-paid job at a farm-supplies store what does it signify? Is he just earning extra cash, or getting close to a supply of potassium nitrate (used in fertiliser, and explosives)? What if apparent strangers with Arabic names have wired him money? What if he has taken air flights with one of those men, with separate reservations and different seats, paid in cash? What if his credit-card records show purchases of gadgets such as timing devices?

If the authorities can and do collect such bits of data, piecing them together offers the tantalising prospect of foiling terrorist conspiracies. It also raises the spectre of criminalising or constraining innocent people’s eccentric but legal behaviour.

In November 2002 news reports revealed the existence of a big, secret Pentagon programme called Total Information Awareness. This aimed to identify suspicious patterns of behaviour by “data mining” (also known as “pattern recognition”): computer-driven searches of large quantities of electronic information. After a public outcry it was dubbed, perhaps more palatably, Terrorism Information Awareness. But protests continued, and in September 2003 Congress blocked its funding.

That, many people may have assumed, was that. But six of TIA’s seven components survived as secret stand-alone projects with classified funding. A report in February by America’s Department of Homeland Security named three programmes it operates to sniff out suspicious patterns in the transport of goods. Similar projects have mushroomed in, among other countries, Britain, China, France, Germany and Israel.

Civil-liberties defenders are trying hard to stop data-mining becoming a routine tool for the FBI to spy on ordinary Americans. They say that the administration is racing in its final months to formalise in law programmes that have run solely under authorisation from the White House that bypasses Congress. One pending change would authorise more intelligence sharing between federal and local officials. In a federal court filing made public on September 20th, America’s attorney-general, Michael Mukasey, sought legal immunity for telecoms firms which have provided details on international phone calls. What happens in practice, and what the law permits, is a hot and unresolved issue.

Last month, after a briefing by the Department of Justice about a secret data-mining plan for the FBI, a group of American lawmakers wrote to Mr Mukasey complaining that the plan would allow the FBI to spy on Americans “without any basis for suspicion”. The proposed project could be made public in coming weeks.

No similar pan-European data-mining programme is operating, at least to public knowledge. Yet under an agreement signed in July last year airlines flying from the European Union to America have had to provide the authorities there with reservations data, as well as information obtained by airport-security screeners. This can include passengers’ race, religion, occupation, relatives, hotel reservations and credit card details. Internet service providers and telecoms firms in the EU must now keep for up to two years, though not automatically hand over, data on websites visited and phone calls made and received (but not the content of conversations).
Fast company

FAST, a Norwegian company bought by Microsoft this year for $1.3 billion, collects data from more than 300 sources (including the web) for national data-mining programmes in a dozen countries in Asia, Europe and North America. In April British members of Parliament learned that almost a year earlier the home secretary, Jacqui Smith, had secretly authorised the transfer of licence-plate data recorded by roadside cameras to foreign intelligence agencies. In June the Swedish Parliament voted into law a data-mining programme strongly backed by the defence ministry. From January 1st it will provide sweeping powers to monitor international electronic messages and telephone traffic.

The staggering, and fast-growing, information-crunching capabilities of data-mining technology broaden the definition of what is considered suspicious. In June America’s Departments of Justice and Homeland Security and a grouping of American police chiefs released the “Suspicious Activity Report—Support and Implementation Project”. Inspired in part by the approach of the Los Angeles Police Department, it urges police to question people who, among other things, use binoculars, count footsteps, take notes, draw diagrams, change appearance, speak with security staff, and photograph objects “with no apparent aesthetic value”.

Companies, and especially credit-reporting firms, generally enjoy more latitude than government bodies do in making personal information available to third parties. They find intelligence agencies are eager clients. Chris Westphal, head of Visual Analytics, a firm in Poolesville, Maryland that operates data-mining software for security and intelligence agencies, says the data provided by such firms is “very significant”. Narayanan Kulathuramaiyer, an expert in data mining at UNIMAS, a Malaysian university, says companies are selling database access to intelligence and law-enforcement agencies “at a level you would not even imagine”.

Legal challenges to governments’ use of personal information held by companies have reached high courts in many countries, including America’s Supreme Court. Rulings, however, have for the most part frustrated privacy advocates. Suzanne Spaulding, a former legal adviser to the Senate and House intelligence committees, says improvements in data-mining technology have enabled intelligence agencies to milk favourable court rulings in ways that exceed judicial intent. For example, such cases typically concern permission to use data from a single source, such as a phone company’s billing records. When different databases are mined simultaneously, the value of information increases exponentially.

Spies are increasingly snooping on private internet use. Katharina von Knop, a data-mining expert at the University of German Federal Armed Forces in Munich, says many systems remotely analyse the content of web pages people visit. A man who has travelled to, say, Peshawar, a stronghold of Islamist extremism in Pakistan, is considered more dangerous if he also reads the blog of an extremist Muslim cleric. If the cleric lives in Peshawar, the man’s suspicion score rises further. Data-mining software develops profiles by taking into account all web pages visited by a computer user; if a suspect visits a stamp-collecting website, the suspicion score is lowered.

Such profiling increasingly relies on “sentiment analysis”. Hsinchun Chen, head of the Artificial Intelligence Lab at the University of Arizona says this technique, which he performs for American and international intelligence agencies, is an emerging and booming field. The goal is to identify changes in the behaviour and language of internet users that could indicate that angry young men are becoming potential suicide-bombers. For example, a person who exhibits curiosity by visiting many Islamist websites and asking numerous questions in online forums might be flagged by sentiment-analysis software if he shows signs of resentment and eventually turns to “radicalising” others by, say, justifying violence and providing links to militant videos. Mr Chen says intelligence agencies in the United States, Canada, China, Germany, Israel, Singapore and Taiwan are customers for this technique.

Does it work?

Donald Tighe, vice-president for public affairs at In-Q-Tel, a non-profit investment outfit that helps the CIA stay abreast of advances in computing, says that data mining is now so powerful it has become “essential to our national security”. But campaigners for privacy have many worries. One fear, prevalent in Britain after incidents in which officials lost huge quantities of confidential personal information, is that the state may be even more careless with data than private firms are. Another is that innocents are flagged for further investigation or added to “watch-lists” that may impede air travel, banking and gaining jobs in places where radioactive materials are used, such as hospitals. The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), a lobby, says the list maintained by the Terrorist Screening Centre at the FBI now has more than 900,000 names, with 20,000 more every month. Being removed is tricky.

Data-mining may be bad for national security as well as for civil liberties. The software is often modelled on the fraud-detection applications used by financial institutions. But terrorism is much rarer. So spotting conditions that may precede attacks is harder. Mike German, a former FBI agent who now advises the ACLU, says intelligence agencies too readily believe in the “snake oil” of total information awareness, which drains effort from more useful activities such as using informers and infiltrators.

Abdul Bakier, a former official in Jordan’s General Intelligence Department, says that tips to foil data-mining systems are discussed at length on some extremist online forums. Tricks such as calling phone-sex hotlines can help make a profile less suspicious. “The new generation of al-Qaeda is practising all that,” he says.

Last year two pattern-detection programmes, ADVISE and TALON, run respectively by America’s Department of Homeland Security and the Pentagon, were shut down following privacy concerns and irregularities. Privacy advocates, however, say that other programmes continue—and many are operated, with minimal oversight, by the National Security Agency. The NSA insists that it does keep Congress informed. It also vigorously defends data mining, saying that if today’s systems were in place before the terrorist attacks of September 11th 2001, some of the hijackers would have been identified.

In July, after fierce debate, Congress imposed new limitations on government wiretapping when it renewed the expiring Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA) sought by President George Bush after September 11th. The main law governing data mining, this has provided the administration with broad and unprecedented electronic-spying powers. But civil-liberties lobbies such as Amnesty International and Human Rights Watch say the renewed, restricted law leaves largely untouched far-reaching secret “black” programmes, run by the NSA, which crunch data on great numbers of people, including millions of Americans. Much of that is personal financial information collected by the Treasury.

Mr Bush says that FISA helps protect citizens’ liberties “while maintaining the vital flow of intelligence”. Several hours after the president signed the bill into law, the ACLU filed a federal lawsuit, on the grounds that the executive branch’s expanded wiretapping powers violated the constitution.

In 2001 American-led forces routed the Taliban in Afghanistan, destroying al-Qaeda training camps there. Berndt Thamm, who advises Germany’s armed forces on terrorism, says that in retreat the Islamists left valuable clues about their online communications and electronic plotting. It is in following up these leads that data mining and pattern analysis can, and should, be used. Such techniques, says Mr Thamm, are “the only answer” to jihadist extremists. That is the argument which the strenuous objections of civil libertarians need to overcome.

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Cause for worry? Maybe. I find it far more terrifying however to think about the consequences of the application of such 'Data-mining' techniques to rooting out and destroying political opposition in repressive regimes. That surely, is a line of argument the civil libertarians should explore...

The original source can be viewed here.

2008-09-23T00:33:00.002-05:00

Jeremy is mildly troubled, but hopes he will get back on his feet soon... Maybe then, he will be able to work out some; maybe then, he'll be able to get stuff done and feel efficient again; maybe then he'll have some time to actually blog. Seriously.

Until then, he should go do homework, and maybe rest a little, and sort out his life...

yeah.

Specialization: cuts knowledge at a thousand points and leaves it bleeding...

2008-09-16T01:00:00.003-05:00

"Yeah, well that's the thing about specialization, it fills people up and crowds out their worldview, makes them incapable of looking at subject matter through other disciplinary viewpoints. In fact, it cuts viewpoints up into 'disciplines' in the first place!"

"Education is fracturing the way we understand the world, breaking the uniform lens and tinting it a hundred different ways, all the while casting shadows over us that make it harder and harder to put the pieces together!"

A spontaneous rant over Facebook chat over specialization in academics.

Fear and Trembling (excerpt) - Soren Kierkegaard

2008-09-16T00:58:00.001-05:00

In our age, everyone is unwilling to stop with faith but goes further. It perhaps would be rash to ask where they are going, whereas it is a sign of urbanity and culture for me to assume that everyone has faith, since otherwise it certainly would be odd to speak of going further.

It was different in those ancient days.

Faith was then a task for a whole life time, because it was assumed that proficiency in believing is not acquired in days or in weeks.

When tried and tested oldster approcahed his end, had fought the good fight and kept the faith, his heart was still young enough not to have forgotten the fear and trembling that disciplined the youth, that the adult learned to control, but that no man outgrows - except to the extent that he succeeds in going further as early as possible.

The point attained by those venerable personages is in our age the point where everyone begins in order to go further...

Words to think on for awhile...

Waiting on a Plane

2008-07-19T23:50:00.002-05:00

It's funny how things come around and end up in the end. How the way you felt about things and life and people change and twist about, resulting in emotions and circumstances that would be totally incomprehensible or unimaginable to the me of yesteryear... it's a queer feeling.

Ok, maybe that's a tad exaggerated...

Still, almost 2 years ago, I set off for the United States, feeling bleakly cold about the state of my life. Despite feeling happy for the oppurtunity of living in a different country, and despite the overwhelming relief of not needing to deal with the dreaded O'levels, I couldn't help but feel a little sorrowful at my departure from home. So many things it seemed were going right; so many things that I felt I was abandoning: my classmates, my studies, my deep friendships and the friendships that felt like they were only just beginning to blossom, all left behind in what felt almost like the spur of the moment...

In the end though, now that I'm preparing to fly home, I find myself looking back on my two years here at Hamline, and at my life now in much the same light. A deep regret at the fact that I may have to leave the many deep and fruitful relationships that I've developed so quickly in these past two years, and a similar disatisfaction at my inability to further develop the relationships I had only just begun to make.

These ressurrected experiences are differentiated by one new insight however: despite these sorrows and regrets, ultimately life (and God) is good. I have been profoundly changed in my time here in the US, physically, mentally and spiritually and in light of my experiences have come to understand the world in new, exciting and wonderful ways. I have found friends that I am proud to say will endure beyond the mere four years of college that I embarked upon and have found greater meaning in and understanding of my Faith and walk with Christ.

The times I have spent here may not always have been pleasant or enjoyable, and there were definitely moments when I wished I was anywhere but in a foreign country filled with 'ang mohs'. Still, knowing what I know now, I am thankful that I was able to come here, and thankful that I was able to experience the American life.

This is a tentative farewell for I intend to come back, until then, to everyone I've met and known here in the Twin Cities, Minnesota:

Thanks, and I'll catch you later...

Reflections on the Nature of Faith

2008-06-14T13:54:00.003-05:00

I was at a bible study with a bunch of friends from Church earlier this week and we were talking about some things. One recurring theme was the question of Salvation, and what it looked like to be saved. In the course of the conversation an analogy sprung into my mind. It seems to me that there is an unimaginably large chasm between us and God. And it seems to me that most of us want to try to cross it, but are frightened by the obvious danger and seeming impossibility. Thus, being a Christian seems to be like looking toward God, across this dark and foreboding chasm, running headlong towards him and trying (however futile a gesture it may seem) to leap the distance between us, trusting that God in his infinite love and mercy will save us and bring us to him.

Or maybe that's a bad analogy, I don't know.

What I do know is that we have to be faithful, and obedient, and sensitive to his leading, and calling. Because sometimes, it's difficult to see where God is, and which direction we should run toward; and sometimes, its hard to die to ourselves and our own selfish ambitions. I do know though that if we trust in him always, and seek ultimately to fulfill his will and not our own, he will lead us in the right direction, to his side. In the end, nothing is more important, than being right with God...

Music

2008-04-19T02:41:00.003-05:00

I haven't written much lately I suppose because I haven't been in much of a writing mood. I feel guilty for not posting anything on this nearly defunct blog however, so I shall now remedy this by making plugs for a couple bands that I have been listening to and liking in recent months.

First up is Electrico. Based in my hometown of Singapore, they are pretty much the only local band that I've heard thus far outside of Force Vomit (who are actually Malaysian I think) who I can stand to listen to. They have a very pop-infused electronic rock style, reminiscent of bands like Coldplay (on their upbeat songs), Semisonic and the Stars (who I will discuss shortly). Being from Singapore (and being halfway competent) gives them zillians of points in my book, so there, check them out. They have been active since 1996.

Notable Song(s):
Runaway

The Stars are a Canadian indie Pop Band whose sound has been described as "beautiful, eloquent indie pop", characterized by lush instrumentation, nimble production and mixing, narrative lyrics, and soft but nuanced vocals. Melodic and with a lighter feel and touch than most bands out there, definitely a band to look out for if you enjoy thoughtful, beautiful music. Ok maybe they're not that good, I however enjoy them very much! So give them a chance. They have been active since the year 2000.

Notable Song(s):
Reunion
Your Ex-Lover is Dead
Take Me to the Riot

The last group on my list is a rather aged Christian Gospel group called Commissioned. Originally from Detroit, this group was apparently really huge in the Gospel scene and has produced 12 albums over a period of seventeen years. They have a powerful strong classic gospel style as well as beautiful ballads and seriously impressive vocal talent. Unfortunately they appear to be defunct for the most part now (their last live performance was in 2002). They still however, have some brilliant songs, so if you're into some rocking Gospel music, check them out.

Notable Song(s):
King of Glory
Hold Me

2008-03-29T10:50:00.002-05:00

When you're in love, everything about life seems so awesome, so wonderful, so immensely joyful and exhilirating. You're filled with energy and boldness that comes from seemingly nowhere, and yet all that joy and exuberance can dissapear in an instant... if she isn't with you...

I probably write better when I'm depressed. Also write longer too I notice. So I guess I'm completely incapable of writing something decent right now... for that I guess I apologize (only a little). So that's it, I'm very happy at the moment, because someone wonderful is by my side...

The End...

Cautiously Hopeful

2008-03-01T11:02:00.002-06:00

I know it seems like I've been a little down lately. Certainly looking at the tone of the last few posts, it would seem like that was the case. But... I think I'm better now. I feel like I'm in a better place right now, where alot of the worries I've had the past few months have kind of died down a little, or maybe taken a nap (poor metaphors I know). In any case, they've become... less prominent in my mind, and there are other things to hope for, to look forward to, and I am hoping for and looking forward to them. Sorry for making some of you worry for me, and sorry for being such a lazy blogger. Thanks folks, I'm better now, and cautiously hopeful...

On Hiatus for the Month

2008-02-15T17:01:00.000-06:00

Nuff said...

Mildly Paradoxical

2008-01-28T22:03:00.000-06:00

Jeremy spent most of today jamming in the basement of a Frat house instead of doing what he was going to do (which admittedly was probably not very much anyway). "I Like Music" he concludes, and starts feeling rather hungry because somewhere along the way, he forgot to eat dinner.

He is mildly content, but also mildly disatisfied, and in this paradoxical way, he continues about his business, ambling along the thoroughfares of the internet, typing rather sedately in the far dark corner of Sorin's computer lab.

He looks at the sandwich he bought from Super America, and decides to leave the dark grasp of free internet access and eat it.

The end.

Piece of Mind

2008-01-21T10:57:00.001-06:00

Sometimes there's a part of me that is such a hopeless romantic: a part who thinks that there'll always be a happy end, who thinks that the perfect place to be would be a nice green meadow with a gentle breeze or a field of blooming sunflowers, or anywhere with a pretty sunrise/sunset. Then there's the other part of me that wants to take that part, strangle it, decapitate it, stuff it into a body bag and dump it into Marina Bay where it will rot and ruin Singapore's economy by scaring away tourists.

Talk about double think.

2008-01-18T15:01:00.000-06:00

I walked to the park again earlier this week. The streets were icy, the air cold, but it felt like it was something I needed to do... so I did, and trudged through the Minnesotan weather toward...

What? What was it I was looking for? Why did I want to stand there again, alone in the freezing air?

I guess I wasn't sure myself.
However, I went anyway, passing by the same houses and trees that I did a season ago. There was something strangely tragic about it, something infinitely depressing about seeing everything that was once bright and merry covered in a blanket of foggy white. The dogs we had played with and laughed at no longer barked or ran outside. The elementary school across the road was silent, no kids were running out to play in the golden sun of before. The neighborhood felt empty, deserted except for the occassional car sputtering through the icy streets. It was a lonely place to be...

The park itself was emptier still, or as much so as it could be. It was as though a stasis had descended upon the area, leaving it devoid of feeling or happiness. I looked back at the memories I had of it, the many times spent with friends, and squirrels, and her... and I looked up to the bleak sky and sat there and prayed...

I felt better and walked back to my life, away from the park of the past...

2008-01-13T23:55:00.000-06:00

I had a dream yesterday that I played at a gig with Belle and Sebastian, it was awesome. I woke up and was pleased with myself.

The end.

2008-01-12T10:21:00.000-06:00

If you think to yourself, “What should I do now?”
Than take the baton, and girl, you better run with it.
'Cause there is no point in standing in the past cause it’s over and done with.

From "If She Wants Me" by Belle and Sebastian

Thoughts on the future....

2008-01-06T00:15:00.000-06:00

It's five days into the new year... and I am unsure of how to feel. For a long time now, I've felt that there was always a paradox within me, within my thoughts... it feels like I am always caught between differing perspectives, contrasting desires. On the one hand, there is a boundless optimism that is confident, positive; and on the other there is a side that is eternally doubtful, uneasy and yet also pragmatic and perhaps truer? A part of me draws me wants to jump into the fray, to be a paragon of capability and industry, and yet another just wants to sit around and play Guild Wars. A part of me wants to be the brainy intellectual, to be the know-it-all who has the answers for everything; and another realizes that that's impossible and more than a little arrogant, and yet this point of view is arrogant in its own way as well.

What all this leads up to is that I am usually quite confused and unsure about who I want to be, who I am even...

This translates into a rather mixed view of the future. I feel like there are things I must do. Promises that must be fulfilled; grades that must be maintained; skills that must be improved... most importantly, certain words that have to be said...

But another part of me just wants to put it all off, ignore it until everything becomes irrelevant...

Things like becoming a better Christian, being true to the feelings and thoughts suppressed in my mind, becoming a better musician, writing down all the products of random moments of creativity, they all are such self-evidently good things, such obviously positive goals... yet, at the same time, it sometimes seems like the will and determination necessary to carry them out is lacking. Sometimes, it's almost as though the effort isn't worth it. Or sometimes it seems like the determination one builds up painstakingly over the course of weeks of mental preparation just fizzles when I am confronted with the task.

In the end, it means little if you cannot take the final step and put the words to paper (or someone's ears depending on the situation).

But from all this, I can draw a conclusion, a manifesto for action if you will: I must act, or at least work at the problem of inaction. Maybe I'll give up on video games like I've been telling Koree for the past few weeks. Maybe I'll actually see about that band thing with Andy and the others. Maybe I'll... The point is that a step must be made...

Let's hope I can take it.

On the brightside, it seems I've changed a little since I left Singapore. The other day, I talked with Clarence over msn. "You've changed" he said, the old Jeremy would've dealt with his own point of view first, passed his own moral judgement and damned everyone else's ideas to hell. I agreed with him then, but I wonder on it now. Can I genuinely consider something from another person's perspective? Am I capable of such empathy?

I'm a biased source I think, but I'd like people to tell me, to show me my flaws. I toyed once with the idea of carrying a small notebook around and asking friends to note in it what they would like to see changed about me. Maybe I should...

or maybe I'll just stop rambling and get on with life. Later folks...

Geekdom

2007-12-31T21:56:00.000-06:00

It's the end of the year, and I'm playing Guild Wars... yay?

More Figuring Out

2007-12-28T23:57:00.000-06:00

These are just the rough chords for the song. The actual chords played and the picking guitar part are much more complex (and currently) over my head. There're at least two guitar parts to pick apart and all I managed to do was figure out what basic chords they're playing (not counting the weird variations on the basic version that are probably being used). Ah well have to start from somewhere I guess...

The song by the way is from the OST of the recent Royston Tan movie "881", listen to it here.

Wu Jia Hui: 一人一半 (One Half)

Intro: G, Bm, Am, D

_____G_____Bm
一人一半感情不散
_____Am_D______G
一人一素故感情才会久
_____G_______Bm
时光累积安静的泪滴
____Am_D_____G
一心去追爱那么可贵

Chorus:
_____G_____Bm
这样的人这样地等
_____C_______D
无非是等个回应眼神
____Am_____Bm
为爱反滚不及伤痕
_____C_______D
甘心为你一身都浮沉
_____G_____Bm
这样的人别笑我蠢
_____C_______D
傻傻的心痛也不觉疼
____Am_____Bm
就算天冷就算残忍
_____C_______D
等你想起这没用的人

_____G_____Bm
一人一半感情不散
_____Am_D______G
已经找到爱为何要离开
______C__D_____G C D GM7
已经找到爱为何要先开

2007-12-28T23:18:00.000-06:00

Alright! Figured out "3) Ambient music from NHK ni Yokoso"!!!

the Main melody is E-minor, a weird F chord with a D note in it, and a C/G. Uhh, for an example of what all that sounds like, watch the first 2 minutes of the second episode of Welcome to the NHK, linked here.

I'd talk about what the rest of the chords are but there doesn't seem to be much point.

2007-12-26T14:05:00.000-06:00

It's Boxing Day. I'm chilling out. Life is good. Catch you all later...

and Happy Birthday Jeanette, hope you're having fun back home!

Songs I plan to learn! (or just musical things in general)

2007-12-17T02:06:00.000-06:00

This is more for my own memory than anything else but what the hey, it is my blog after all...

Guitar/Vocals
1) Wu Jiahui: 一半(One Half)
2) Chen Wei Lian: Missing
3) Dispatch: The General
4) Dispatch: Two Coins
5) Goh Nakamura: Embarcadero Blues
6) Kuwata Keisuke: Ashita Hareru kana
7) The Brilliant Green: Maybe We Could Go Back To Then

Instrumental Guitar Bits
1) Belle and Sebastian: Fiction
2) Belle and Sebastian: Mornington Crescent
3) Ambient Music from NHK Ni Yokoso
4) Antoine Dufour: Drac & Friends part I
5) Antoine Dufour: Spiritual Groove
6) John Mayer: Cavatina
7) Led Zeppelin: Stairway to Heaven
8) Coil: The Legendary Theme (Acoustic Version)
9) Aya Hirano: God Bless

Piano
1) Belle and Sebastian: Fiction
2) Beautiful Life OST: Silent Clouds
3) Kuwata Keisuke: Ashita Hareru kana

Bass
1) Yoko Kanno (the Seatbelts): Tank! (I actually have the intro bits down, I just need to figure out the verse bits)
2) Beck (MCS): Spice of Life

Drums:
1) Mute Math: Typical
2) Mute Math: Chaos
3) Mute Math: Reset
4) Brush Kit drumming
5) more complex Jazz drum beats than the ones I know now

wow, this list got a lot longer than I thought it was going to be. Ahh so much to learn!

Inertia

2007-12-13T16:31:00.000-06:00

I slump in my seat at a library computer, typing a blog post for lack of something better that I feel like doing. Final assignments loom, but I know I can finish them later. I don't really feel like doing anything, don't feel anything particular but depressed and bored, and also mildly hungry... My friend and his girl chat lovingly at a nearby table. They seem happy, and I am happy for them, happy enough to go "awww" mentally. Its just a mental thing though, on the outside I am apathetic, indifferent, coldly critical and silent. I am disatisfied with myself, 2 years after those idle words came flying out of her mouth to crush me in the gut, I am unchanged. Or am I?

I want to make a commitment, a goal, to be less pessimistic, less negative, less apathetic. I want to care, to show I care, to love and be loved in return. It seems naive, pompous, silly and foolish... yet I cannot like who I am now.

Can a person change himself, or does it take intervention from the outside, a divine intervention perhaps... To strive always to improve oneself and grow closer to the image of Christ, is that not what it means to be Christian? Can we better ourselves through our own efforts, or are we wholly dependent on another's aid? And does it matter which?

I want to do something! I am discontent with this stasis; discontent to remain where I am. Life should contain a movement, a conflict, a certain kind of moral inertia: but how does one start it, set it in motion? 'Jesus' seems like the obvious Christian answer, 'Jesus', 'God', 'the Bible'... all these are at once clear to me, yet what do those answers mean? Do I read more of the Bible? Do I sign myself up for more classes at Church? Do I go and meditate in a cave somewhere fasting and praying till I achieve enlightenment? What do I do!?

It feels like I have the answer, but I can't think of it. It lurks in my sub-conscious, refusing to show itself.

How do you get out of a rut you can't see, or the hole you want to remain in? How do you change yourself to be a better person? I will ponder this as I sit around idling, lets hope it turns out well...

2007-11-26T00:17:00.001-06:00

Thanksgiving is over, it's back to school. (shrugs)

Confusion

2007-11-21T15:02:00.000-06:00

It's the day before Thanksgiving. Campus is almost deserted. The wind is strong, and cold... a bleak day, like the days of late have been. I'm waiting for a friend, he's in a meeting with the dean. We're gonna go play some music in the basement of the House, that's the plan... We'll mess around, experiment, have fun doing whatever sounds good. Seemed like a good idea at the time, seems like an awesome one still. He has this riff that he's been working on and I think a beat I tried last time works well with it, but we'll see how things go I guess...

I'm hopeful, everything looks great and headed in great directions, like its all gonna work out...

Why am I so uneasy then? Why are my thoughts so... grey? Why do they all stray... to you...

Seems like it could be a monologue in a play. (shrugs)

Would you?

2007-11-10T16:40:00.000-06:00

If I was a tree, standin' pretty in the breeze
or a cloud in the sky, bathed in sunlight high
would you look at me?

If I was a squirrel, fuzzy, cute and little
or a quaint hamster, scurrying throuh your laughter
would you care for me?

If I were to run, beckoning, past the sun
and look for your hand, at the universe's end
would you be there with me?

Sometimes...

2007-10-27T14:17:00.002-05:00

The leaves are turning yellow now. A dirty shade for the most part. Constant showers have robbed the trees of the glorious autumn red and graced them instead with a kind of dirty brown... depressing really. The days grow shorter, and bleaker and my spirits trod downward with them, a solemn march toward the gloom of winter.

But I stray from that path... sometimes...

Sometimes, when she's there, the world doesn't seem so bleak, the days not so cold, the sky not so bloody depressingly grey... Sometimes, when music rings in my head, and I feel the pulse of the beat and rejoice in clear harmonies, all the world seems well... Sometimes, when I take a stroll and feel at peace with God and men, basking in the wonder of nature... Sometimes...

More often than not though, I'm just annoyed at how many papers I have to write tomorrow...

Fall Break

2007-10-27T14:17:00.001-05:00

I'm on it, its a whole day. Whee

I've just seen a face (Across the Universe)

2007-10-14T19:51:00.000-05:00

A cool cover of a Beatles song in a great movie that I think everyone should watch.

It's Across the Universe, its nice, its got... stuff!

the boon of a missed bus...

2007-10-08T00:42:00.000-05:00

He dodged beneath the protective bricks of Ginkgo's entrance, despite the relative harmlessness of the light drizzle. Spreading a wind-blown and slightly damp chunk of newspapers over the rough paving, he seated himself outside the closed coffee shop and whipped out a notebook, studying it intently. Cars on the normally busy Snelling Avenue were a small but constant presence this time of night, punctuating his thoughts with the occasional revving of an engine. He reflected on this, while despairing over the careless and callous bus driver who had ignored his plea to be taken home. It all was mildly miserable really...

The patient wait for a called-in ride stilled the depression somewhat however, calming the immediate rage inspired by the bus driver's atrocious misconduct. He became pensive, poring cross-legged over the contents of his notebook. Idle thoughts of the day's events wandering over the expanse of a temporarily halted existence...

Thoughts of smiles and cheery faces wafted up and down across his imagination, expanding, if only briefly, a narrow and harried universe.

A familiar silver station wagon stopped at the roadside however. The reprieve was over, and his universe was once again, a little smaller... He packed his notebook away, and hurried back to the bustle...

Life as Usual...

2007-10-06T00:22:00.000-05:00

YOU KNOW YOU'RE TIRED WHEN:

-You introduce yourself as being from Korea when you're actually Singaporean and then take a few moments to realize why everyone is laughing...

-You look at the carpet and think about how soft and inviting it looks...

-You exit a building and turn around in circles for thirty seconds trying to remember which direction you were supposed to go in...

-You struggle to turn your head to look at the person you're talking to even though you know it's really impolite...

-Your center of gravity is noticably lowered because of how hunched over you are...

I've experienced most of these today, I go sleep now...

2007-09-28T12:13:00.000-05:00

I stayed up all night writing a paper. It felt bad, like what I imagined drinking a pan-galactic gargle blaster would feel like. If you didn't get that reference, go read Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy.

Bleagh...

Typical, by Mute Math

2007-09-18T16:28:00.000-05:00

TO DO LIST

2007-09-16T14:25:00.001-05:00

Due Monday
-Readings: Global Transformations (Held) and, Globalizing Africa? Observations from an Inconvenient Continent (Ferguson)
-Arrangements for HUSC meeting and MISA Mentor Kickoff event on Tuesday
-Scanning of Treasurer documents for IVCF

Due Tuesday
-Readings: 20 or so pages of From Stalinsim to Pluralism (Stokes) for Govt & Politics in Central & Eastern Europe
-2 to 3 Reflection on Thomas Hobbes' "Leviathen"
-Two 1.5 page entries on an article about Central & Eastern Europe
-Intro to Theatre "Mask Assignment"

A Walk in the Park of the Past

2007-09-07T23:21:00.000-05:00

We took a walk after lunch, a lazy stroll in the breezy early afternoon. Golden sunlight filled the lushly covered streets around hamline with a warm orange glow... interrupted now and again by the passing of small fluffy clouds.

I pointed out one, remarking on how pretty it was. "It looks like a whale" she replied, "thats the kind of thing we used to do as kids" she said, after a pause, smiling as she said it.

We arrived at a park, observing a pack of elementary school students bound energetically into the rolling expanse of grass and trees. She caught sight of a squirrel and attempted in vain to capture it with her camera. The rest of us looked on in mild amusement, and then started offering unhelpful suggestions. The squirrel ignored us and scampered up the tree, out of sight behind the shelter of green leaves.

We watched the children play soccer, sitting around on the ground of the park whilst the elementary kids ran up and down the park kicking a small white soccer ball. Every so often, a kid would kick the ball between the tree and red cone that marked a goal, which would invariably be celebrated by half the children present in a joyous display of cheers, upraised arms and wild jumping...

"I envy them. I wish I could go back to that age" she said, "back then, I could do anything I wanted, swim in the river, get dirty, and nobody would mind." She sighed, and I nodded in agreement.

After awhile, a grey-haired teacher blew a whistle and ushered the younglings back into the nearby elementary school...

A cloud promptly covered the sun, as if marking their passage from the park. They left a cold silence in the park, a certain emptiness among the green, swaying trees...

We walked back to campus after that, and turned our minds back once more to things of the present... trudging once more toward the untrodden wilderness of the future...

Fall's Beginning

2007-09-05T14:16:00.000-05:00

I took notes in class today. In the wrong notebook. I'm presently copying them to the right notebook. That makes me feel hardworking.

Later...

Passing By

2007-08-23T06:29:00.000-05:00

I waited in line at the Gate, surrounded by urgent-looking passengers, nonchalantly grasping my slightly bloated Nike satchel. The attendants glanced at my boarding pass and waved me on into the crowded corridor that led to the plane where I would be spending the next 10 or so hours. I tried not to think about it. After a quick check of the contents of my bag, Hong Kong's airport security waved me on and I marched into the plane. After a short time of slow shuffling and squeezing past other passengers, I found my way to a window seat in the midsection of the cabin. Both outer seats were unoccupied. I thrust my bag underneath the seat in front of me and settled down to wait for take off...

Whenever I sit alone on a plane (or at least when I had done so before) I am almost invariably always seated next to an old or middle-aged male who has a tendency to completely ignore me and focus on studying the contents of the wall street journal. They always looked respectable enough, but made for poor conversation. I expected nothing different from this flight. I was surprised then, when a girl around my age walked up to my row and dropped a black bag on the seat next to mine.

She stood there for awhile, clutching the handle of a small red piece of luggage, looking around uncertainly. Abortively, she attempted to lift the luggage into the overhead cabins, but for some reason, stopped midway. I might've moved to help her then, but a voice within me counseled, "mind your own business, Jeremy, don't be Ke Poh". Next to us, a pair of chinese girls struggling with their own luggage were aided by a middle-aged chinese man. As if encouraged by this, the girl attempted once again to lift her red bag into the overhead cabin, for a moment looking like she would crumble under the weight of it. Seeing this, I shrugged off the voice within me, dropped my sudoku, and helped her push the bag into the cabin... feeling like a very pompous idiot all the while.

She smiled at me and we both settled down in our seats, and before long, the not-so-boring flight began.

She was a mainlander from Shenzhen, taking the flight to start her studies at a High School in Kansas City. She knew barely a word of english and was convinced that the best remedy for it would be to go abroad and study in America. Our exchanges where short and often involved me translating the captain's messages, or her requests for a coke. I tried to explain in mandarin that I was headed to Minneapolis for my second year in College, but couldn't quite do it as I didn't know what Minneapolis was in mandarin. She offered an earphone and played some music. I returned the favor later, playing some Wu Yue Tian in a vain attempt to show that I wasn't completely out of touch with modern Chinese culture. She offered me skittles and I offered her the Tau Sah Bing that my mother had given me. And after several such exchanges, long periods of napping and some confused conversation with a flight attendent over some customs form, we arrived in Chicago's O'Hare airport.

We walked out of the plane together, she insisting that we stick together since she couldn't read any of the signs. We walked to the long que from Chicago's customs and she began fumbling with the various immigration forms she couldn't quite read. I translated the instructions of the mexican immigration officer, helping her fill the forms out while she struggled with her red luggage and a black pen. We finally got to the customs officer and I went first. After the usual procedures, the officer waved me on, I stopped and told her how the Chinese girl behind me (we were directed to the same que) couldn't speak english. I was then enlisted to translate and stood there for another 5 or 10 minutes, translating instructions, afterwich, we both got out of customs and went to wait for our bags.

We picked the bags up after around half-an-hour and proceded through to the train system that connected Chicago's international and domestic terminals. Along the way, it came out that she was a Christian. I told her I was one too, and she responded with mild surprise and glee. She confessed that as she was waiting to get on the plane, she had been praying that she would meet someone who could help her since she couldn't speak english. I could only smile and nod.

I cleared domestic customs with 10 minutes to go till my flight for Minneapolis left. I looked back to where she was in the que, she pointed to her watch and waved at me to go, I smiled, waved back and ran off and that was that.

Her name, as it was written on the I-94, was Fan Suli, I don't think she ever got mine...

We were passers by in each others lives, doomed perhaps to never cross paths again. Maybe it was a meeting arranged by a Higher power, to help a friendless girl get through American immigrations. Maybe it was nothing more than a convenient chance encounter.

Whatever it was, I need to improve my chinese...

The end of a brief interlude

2007-08-21T23:01:00.000-05:00

Jeremy is presently en route to the states and can't really be bothered to say anything more on account of being mildly air sick. Hong Kong's Airport is still cool though.

Later folks...

-A foray into CJ (An Hour of Arithmatic)-

2007-08-20T23:56:00.000-05:00

A field of blue backs, against walls of grey
meshed in blue ink, confined they stay
A teacher balding, drones on earnest
with mild humour, with numbers well versed
Yet a cloud is there, thick and stifling
minds walled and guarded, imprisoned yet not trying
To break the bonds, of a cold system
against intergration's king, no daring mission
Their wits are addled, battered and tested
against numerical mettle, smarts tackled and bested
Faced with X and Y, and cosecon squared
the mind has little time, for idle fare......

-written 20/08/2007-by JTZ-

Blackbird, by the Beatles

2007-08-05T10:52:00.000-05:00

Reflections on getting older

2007-08-02T10:32:00.000-05:00

It's funny how birthdays change as you grow older. It's almost as though they dwindle a little, shrinking in the collective consciousness of the world as it gets over the shock and novelty of your arrival.

It's a little depressing almost, as the attention of parents are siphoned off toward younger siblings, (insert mineral) anniversaries and so on, as the large rambunctious pack of rugrats are slowly replaced by a few good fellows, as the spectacle of a baby's first year is reduced to a quiet dinner at Ajisen Ramen...

It seems almost ironic to me, the way the most energetic and colorful birthdays of my life are probably the ones I shall remember the least...

Or perhaps this is merely me thinking too much about something that warrants no thought.

Who knows, maybe 10 or 20 years down the road, all of those pesky, rampaging kids who played dog and bone and noisily slurped spaghetti an age ago will be reunited again...

Yeah, right...

Whatever it is, life will carry on, and I will hopefully be a little less inclined to wasting time, and a little more inclined toward those things that truly matter.

An attempt to grow a little bit wiser perhaps,

and a little bit less of an idiot......

Plagiarism?

2007-07-30T10:09:00.000-05:00

These words were taken from me brother's blog who took them from his friend's site, the credit for these words is not mine.

"Foolish boy," said the Witch. "Why do you run from me? I mean you no harm. If you do not stop and listen to me now, you will miss some knowledge that would have made you happy all your life."

"Well, I don't want to hear it, thanks," said Digory. But he did.

"I know what errand you have come on," continued the Witch. "For it was I who was close beside you in the woods last night and heard all your counsels. You have plucked fruit in the garden yonder. You have it in your pocket now. And you are going to carry it back, untasted, to the Lion; for him to eat, for him to use. You simpleton! Do you know what that fruit is? I will tell you. It is the apple of youth, the apple of life. I know, for I have tasted it; and I feel already such changes in myself that I know I shall never grow old or die. Eat it, Boy, eat it; and you and I will both live for ever and be King and Queen of this whole world - or of your world, iif we decide to go back there."

"No thanks," said Digory, "I don't know that I care much about living on and on after everyone I know is dead. I'd rather live an ordinary time and die and go to Heaven."

"But what about this Mother of yours whom you pretend to love so?"

"What's she got to do with it?" said Digory.

"Do you not see, Fool, that one bite of that apple would heal her? You have it in your pocket. We are here by ourselves and the Lion is far away. Use your magic and go back to your own world. A minute later you can be at your Mother's bedside, giving her the fruit. Five minutes later you will see the colour coming back to her face. She will tell you the pain is gone. Soon she will tell you she feels stronger. Then she will fall asleep - think of that; hours of sweet natural sleep, without pain, without drugs. Next day everyone will be sayinig how wonderfully she has recovered. Soon she will be quite well again. All will be well again. Your home will be happy again. You will be like other boys."

"Oh!" gasped Digory as if he had been hurt, and put his hand to his head. For he now knew that the most terrible choice lay before him.

C.S. Lewis - The Chronicles of Narnia: The Magician's Nephew

Over lunch on Tuesday, my friend C had shared with me this story, where Digory was faced with the choice between taking the apple to save his dying Mother, or to take the apple to Aslan. With tears in his eyes, he brought the apple to Aslan in Narnia - the apple grew into a Tree.

"Yes Aslan. She wanted me to take an apple home to Mother."

"Understand, then, that it would have healed her; but not to your joy or hers. The day would have come when both you and she would have looked back and said it would have been better to die in that illness."

And Digory could say nothing, for tears choked him and he gave up all hopes of saving his Mother's life; but at the same time he knew that the Lion knew what would have happened, and that there might be things more terrible even than losing someone you love by death. But now Aslan was speaking again, almost in a whisper:

"That is what would have happened, child, with a stolen apple. It is not what will happen now. What I give you now will bring joy. It will not, in your world, give endless life, but it will heal. Go. Pluck her an apple from the Tree."

If the outcome was the same, what difference would it have made even if the boy had taken the apple to his Mother? All the difference; because what lies in your hands will always be lost, unless you hand it to Him - and let His will be done. I have faltered all my life by handing over to Him only the unimportant, but selfishly hoarding the things that seemingly mattered the most, from cherished relationships to personal ambition. Yet in life I have learnt that the more you stubbornly struggle to hold on to something, the more it was never yours to begin with. Let go.

Instead the decision should never have been mine to make, but for His will to be done. If one path is to be taken, then He will pave a way, because He provides. He always does. But if one path is not to be taken, then His will is to be done - He gives and takes away. And so all my life, especially in times of dilemma, I have been straining to hear His voice. Yet what I now pray is for His will and only His will to be done - that I may grow and abound in faith and that I may obey. For whatever worries I face arise from a lack of trust in His plan. If I trust in Him, then what shall I fear? Why do I fear?

Digory never spoke on the way back, and the others were shy of speaking to him. He was very sad and he wasn't even sure all the time that he had done the right thing; but whenever he remembered the shining tears in Aslan's eyes he became sure.

being back

2007-07-21T10:55:00.000-05:00

It's funny to notice how time goes. To not be caught up in the moment and watch as the moments of your life flow by, as if you were somehow watching your life as though you were watching a movie, seeing someone else move in first-person, but being completely unable to stop or avert the inexorable flow of time.

It's somewhat vexing to realize however that I have slightly more than a month left before I have to return to the bustle of life in an american university. I am thankful though, that I was able to return home, to enjoy a generous respite in the country of my birth, to catch up with family and friends, and to have some quiet to reflect, and think, and perhaps grow a little closer to God... However, as always, the days of rest seem far too short and few between, and as my time in Singapore draws to a close, I find myself looking forward to the work that lies ahead, preparing myself for the tasks that must be done, thinking of what I "ought to" and "got to" do.

Then again, maybe I'll just play sommore dynasty warriors and leave all that till later...

Other thoughts:
-Jazz music (jazz piano in particular) is pretty dang cool, especially the sort that leans toward the blues.

-Also, I've been reading C.S. Lewis' Letters to Children, it gives some fairly interesting insights into the man himself, so if you were ever curious about the guy who thought up Narnia, go read it.

-And lastly, anyone wanna go cycling sometime? Like in Ubin or something? East Coast is good too. Alternatively, if you'd like to just grab a coffee or something that's cool too, I just wanna make sure I've caught up with everyone I haven't seen in nine months (which on second thought, is outrageously ambitious of me).

2007-07-10T12:28:00.000-05:00

Standing here, waiting for the train to leave,
it seems like such a lonely feeling.
I glance at the time, in my ears a song's rhyme,
a blank time made for dreaming.
I wondered then, how my life began,
how my mind began to wander.
And wondered then, how life would end,
when I would find time for slumber.
I looked above, to matters of love,
and its lack in my surrounding.
What would I find, not peace of mind,
but quest and query abounding.
Yet all this is but an idle chatter,
a shot at a turbulent breeze.
For all this worry, becomes rather blurry,
when running for an arriving MRT.

2007-07-10T12:13:00.001-05:00

This song was stuck in my head for ages. It's the opening to an anime called NHK ni Yokoso which I watched with my brother. I finally found a full version of the song on Youtube a couple weeks ago, so uhh enjoy.

Random Chatter

2007-07-03T09:47:00.000-05:00

Random Conversation that we had in the car:

Faith: So supposedly, Sang Nila Utama, the supposed prince Palembang supposedly visited Singapore and supposedly saw what supposedly was a lion which supposedly gave Singapore it's supposed name?
Jeremy: Yes, supposedly...
Faith: Riiiight...

End of Story

Flying

2007-06-16T04:11:00.000-05:00

I'm standing currently in Hong Kong's airport, I can't remember what it's called. Surprisingly it has free internet access and computer terminals which you aren't charged to use. The wait wasn't even very long. Getting to the the airport though was a sordid and torturous affair.

The flight took around 13 hours taking a route that took me due north from Chicago, circling the tip of Canada, coming round to the north end of Russia and then bursting through the clouds above Wuhan before finally landing in surprisingly familiar looking Hong Kong (This despite the fact that I've never actually been to Hong Kong before).

We landed at 4pm HK time and its 5.15 right now, roughly. The last leg of my return trip back home however, won't start till 8, hence the blogging.

At any rate the real point of this post is this next sentence: I'll be back in Singapore in around 7 hours, give or take; if you would like to contact me, my temporary number in Singapore is 92711782.

See you fella's in abit.

See you Sunny Singapore!

2007-06-15T00:01:00.001-05:00

I leave for home in 8 hours and 54 minutes. See you Sunny Singapore in a day or so...

Flying Home

2007-06-05T16:58:00.000-05:00

I'll be flying back in 10 days time and arriving in Singapore at 11.35 pm on the 16th of June.

See everyone soon.

infotainment

2007-05-31T01:30:00.000-05:00

uhh yeah so I got back from the 2007 Christian Int'l Student Conference and am chilling. There are pictures and stuff on Facebook which is the American equivalent of friendster, don't think there are too many Jeremy Tans in Hamline so I should be pretty easy to find.

Google it or something, not that any of you care enough to do that I suppose.

dream

2007-05-30T23:54:00.001-05:00

I used to have aspirations, dreams, desires, I might even have thought of myself as ambitious. Like how I used to be into poetry. I wrote some, read some. Had a bunch of friends I knew who dabbled here and there. We wrote, we shared, we idly joked about writing books, earning lots of money, getting famous, that kinda thing. For a time, those idle words seemed like they could almost become a reality, a shimmering whisper in the clouds, a shadow of a realized dream. That time passed as I became a little wiser in the ways of the world.

Wiser perhaps... but still a fool...

Over my short lifespan I've indulged in many fantasies. Enamored with the worlds of fantasy and fiction I indulged in conjured universes and surreal anime. I entertained delusions of greatness and destiny, like the protagonist of a kung fu flick or role-playing game. I used to wonder daily what hidden powers I had yet to unlock, what wondrous abilities lay concealed in the depths of my psyche, my being. I imagined daily the glorious day when those wishes would be realized, when my telepathic prowess would be unleashed or my mastery of the elements. I fantasized about adventures and heroism, bravery and virtue, and grew ever more dissatisfied with loathsome reality.

A worldly utopia swept me in, engulfed and oblivious to the charms of a perfect world.

I joined the ranks of Singaporean secondary school students, and with me, my dreams stepped up a little. Now they were a touch more realistic. I dreamed of becoming a great debater, a great philosopher, or a great orator and speaker, and influencer and thinker, respected and honored. I fancied myself a modern Voltaire or Socrates. I figured myself qualified, my reasoning and logic were (as far as I knew) unmatched, aside from my brothers, no one my age had yet out-talked me. Everyone seemed to think I was smart, so I had to be. I became interested in the arts as well, developing my 'skills' in writing, dabbling in poetry, penning scripts for plays, throwing ideas for books and screenplays around, I thought myself a genius, I fancied myself capable, nay destined, for greatness...

What an arrogant, foolish, smart-ass I was...

As my fourth year of secondary school dawned, I had grown up a little. I still had my dreams, and aspirations, but I no longer thought them possible. I had consigned them to the heap of wishes that would never be answered. A stubborn hope remained, but reason and rationality had taken over, my wishes and wants, ambitions and aspirations lay beyond me, beyond reach. Or so I had convinced myself. Yet a part of me was unconvinced, a part of me still wanted to fantasize, to envision, to dream...

Was it arrogant of me? Wishful and naive? Should anyone be denied their aspirations, or are some just too foolish, too egotistical, too unrealistic?

Now my life is different. My priorities are different. Maybe my own life isn't that important. My life, my wishes, my dreams. Maybe they don't matter so much. Maybe faith should matter more, faith in love, faith in the truth, faith in God. Life seems too vital, too precious and just too big to leave to the interests and wants of a single person. Life seems simply too important to be hoarded, and restricted to just one man, maybe it ought to be shared. Shared, in its entirety, every laugh and smile, and every moan and cry, shared with the ones you love, the ones you know, the ones you meet on the street. With anyone at all.

Life should never be caged. Man was never intended for solitude.

I still have dreams, wishes, aspirations. There are things I still long for, but they are no longer just my own. Those dreams that I seek for myself, they have a backseat, a calling number in a long and precious waitlist. There is a greater dream, a greater calling, one that transcends human endeavors and struggles, one that bears the purpose of the entire universe, the ultimate quest, the ultimate question and it is not my own. A dream of a humanity united, in service to each other and worship to the One God...

It is not mine to realize, nor any other Christian's, but God's and God's alone to bring to fruition through us.

And that perhaps, is a dream worth clinging to...

But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33 King James Version)

Act

2007-05-17T11:56:00.000-05:00

I was sitting on the grass near the bus stop yesterday, waiting for the bus to come. It was getting close to nightfall, like how Singapore looks at around 5 or 6. A black guy came along, he looked a little disheveled, clothes a little worse for wear, but he had a big smile on his face. "How you doing?" he asked me as he walked in my direction, smiling. "I'm good, how bout you?" I replied, removing the earphones from.. well.. my ear.

The details are fuzzy now remembering it, but he said something about not doing too well. We exchanged names and shook hands. He told me that him and his wife had just got into St Paul from Michigan, and that they had no friends here and were looking for a place to stay the night. He asked me whether I knew where the Salvation Army was, explaining in case I didn't know that it was a shelter for 'people in need'. I listened, glancing occasionally to his left to watch for the bus. His wife had him had been walking since 5 am in the morning, he told me as he continued, she apparently was a chef, a diabetic one at that, and the walking had been very hard on her. I glanced around, but she was nowhere in sight, a tinge of suspicion arose in my mind.

He asked me for help, "anything at all, anything you can give me, I'll take anything" his voice had quietly risen, a subtle tone of urgency underneath it. The bus arrived, cutting him short. "I'd love to help" I said "but I'm an international student here and I don't have anything on me, sorry man". He walked away without a word, disappointment written on his face. My excuse ringing in my head, I ran up the bus to the impatiently honking bus driver who was glaring at the black man, and promptly forgot about the whole thing...

As I think about it now, I wonder, did I do the right thing? I had money in my pocket, a bus card in hand, I could've helped him... but I didn't. At the same time I wonder, why wasn't he with his wife, comforting her, and why would he tell such things to a stranger? The obvious common sense answer: he was a fake trying to con me into giving him some cash.

Or maybe he was genuine, and was desperately in need of help.

I wondered. And, even if he was a fake, even if all he was trying to do was to get some money from me, should I have turned him away? Jesus called us to be servants right? To do unto others as you would have others do unto you, the golden rule. Should I not have tried to help him in anyway I could, regardless of his intentions? And if they were ill, should I not have turned my other cheek and helped him anyway?

Can I in good conscience say that I did the right thing?

The answer seems to be a no to me, a humbling proof of my selfishness, my worldliness. Knowing this now though, if I had the chance to go through something like that again, what would I do?

What would you do?

As I sat on the bus on the way home, listening to my I-River, the song "Down Once More" from Phantom of the Opera ended, to be replaced by "Yellow Submarine" by the Beatles. 'What a change of mood', I thought, 'bar maybe some heavy metal that's probably as dramatic a difference as you'll find in music'.

Oh how quick man is to forget his own iniquities.

All done... for now

2007-05-16T08:37:00.000-05:00

3 minutes ago, I finished my last exam for Spring semester. And now I'm... not... quite... sure... what... to do. Funny how exams leave you like that.

I'll be flying back home in almost exactly one month, that's four weeks, 30 days, 720 hours and so on. Campus is nearly deserted, despite the beautiful weather of springtime, it seems such a shame.

Will probably go play some GuildWars now, see you all some time soon.

Cheers :)

The end of Spring Semester

2007-05-09T23:20:00.000-05:00

Its the last week of classes for spring semester. I have a macroeconomics assignment due tomorrow, two exams on Friday, a guitar Jury and philosophy paper due on Monday and a macroeconomics exam on the coming Wednesday. Things are really busy. I'm getting a job come fall as a mentor to international students. Have a training session for it tomorrow, it's gonna be great, but right now things are really busy. A month and a week till I'm back in Singapore, cheers! I'm really busy now though. I'm being repetitive aren't I?

Cheers, hope your week has been less crazy than mine.

Moonshadow

2007-05-02T12:20:00.000-05:00

Oh, I am being followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
Leapin and hoppin on a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow

And if I ever lose my hands, lose my plough, lose my land,
Oh if I ever lose my hands, oh if.... I wont have to work no more.
And if I ever lose my eyes, if my colours all run dry,
Yes if I ever lose my eyes, oh if.... I wont have to cry no more.

Oh, I am being followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
Leapin and hoppin on a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow

And if I ever lose my legs, I wont moan, and I wont beg,
Yes if I ever lose my legs, oh if.... I wont have to walk no more.
And if I ever lose my mouth, all my teeth, north and south,
Yes if I ever lose my mouth, oh if.... I wont have to talk...

Did it take long to find me? I asked the faithful light.
Did it take long to find me? and are you gonna stay the night?

I am being followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
Leapin and hoppin on a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow

Moonshadow, moonshadow. Moonshadow, moonshadow....

See a video here

The Dream of Being Idle

2007-04-24T11:01:00.000-05:00

The 59th Street Bridge Song (Feelin' Groovy)
by Simon & Garfunkel

Slow down, you move too fast
You've got to make the morning last
Just kickin' down the cobble stones
Looking for fun and feelin' groovy!

Hello, lamp post, whatcha knowing?
I've come to watch your flowers growing
Ain't ya got no rhymes for me?
Doot-in' doo-doo, feelin' groovy!

Got no deeds to do, no promises to keep
I'm dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me
Life, I love you, all is groovy!

“Music is the effort we make to explain to ourselves how our brains work.” Or so the esteemed Lewis Thomson claimed. The 59th Street Bridge Song would appear to disagree with this, for it does not bother with explanations at all but sends a very clear message that seems obvious from its first line. The message ostensibly is this: “Slow down” and enjoy life, played to an easy, whimsical and calming tune. The later lines reiterate this, describing a dream-like state of idleness and well-being and ending with a benevolent “life I love you, always groovy”. These slogans from the swinging sixties sound perfectly reasonable. Yet what does ‘slowing down’ and ‘making the moment last’ really mean? We don’t need to be told to enjoy life and pursue happiness. The real question is how do we go about doing so? According to the 59th Street Bridge Song, the answer is by idling.

It would seem that, according to popular culture today, the exact opposite is true. According to Mario Andretti, a renowned race driver, “it's the determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal that will enable you to attain the success you seek”. John Lubbock is harsher, saying that “The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest, for he has not earned it.” Once admirably idle activities such as bantering, admiring scenery and staring at clouds have been labeled as “unproductive”. We have relegated them to the outhouses of our minds, and have denounced them as foolishness and idiocy. This is the legacy of the protestant work ethic. That every day of our life must wrung dry for every drop of efficiency and that idleness, as a rule, is at best useless, and at worse a dangerous sign of mental degeneracy. Idling is a thing to warn your child against, to shun and to repress.

Yet, despite conventional wisdom, and in defiance of ancient proverbs, there is a certain romanticism that has been attached to idleness. Although we achieve success through hard work, the reward we receive and indeed were striving for in the first place is idleness. This is similar to the dream of George and Lennie from John Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men”. They work at ranches in the hope that eventually they will own their own farm where they will spend their days tending rabbits and “live offa the fatta the land”. This is the myth of the American Dream, that if you put in enough effort, and have enough determination, you can earn a big pile of cash and retire young to enjoy life and be idle. Our symbols of success and enjoyment: week-long cruises in the pacific, golfing trips in Ireland, sun-bathing in Hawaii and early retirement. We have idealized idleness as the ultimate reward of our efforts.

Yet this reward never really materializes. How many aging retirees really do spend their ‘Golden years’ in flower shirts on the beaches of California? How many multi-millionaire CEOs really make a fortune and then quit and head off to Honolulu for a martini? Witness the example of business legends like Carl Icahn and Warren Buffet who are still actively involved with their businesses in their seventies. Charles Simmons warns us that “it is only the constant exertion and working of our sensitive, intellectual, moral, and physical machinery that keep us from rusting, and so becoming useless.” Thus, not only is it unthinkable to pursue idleness without first becoming a success, even after we have succeeded idleness is beyond our grasp. For sure, there are the privileged and pampered few who do indeed enjoy the fruits of (often someone else’s) hard labor. Yet they are the exception that proves the rule. The song of idleness has been drowned out by the overwhelming yawn of politically correct society. We have traded irreverent freedom for the dogmatic and all-consuming yoke of Materialism.

Thus, idleness has been divorced from reality. We strive to succeed in order to be idle and in order to be successful, we must cast aside idleness. After achieving success however, we raise the bar even higher, and thus still cannot be idle. To quote Mark Slouka, “Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly, you gotta work like a dog ‘til you die”. There is no room for idleness in reality; the only place left for it is our mind.

This brings us to the crux of this essay: if idleness cannot survive in reality, it must take refuge in our dreams. These dreams express themselves in every medium known to man. Our movies, our fiction, our artwork, our poetry, all of them contain slivers of the idle spirit, cracks in the cave of capitalism. Books like “On the Road” and music from the Beatles all allow us small snatches of idleness and we treasure and revere these snatches. These patches numb us to the price of our eternal bustle. They pacify our hidden hopes and dreams and let us escape from the ‘big and nasty world’. They are our gateway into the idyllic matrix of idleness that exists only in our imagination. We know that superheroes don’t exist, we know that you need more than love to survive, and we know that life is not “always groovy”, but we indulge in the song, and because of that fleeting moment, can carry on living our lives. We attempt to capture the spirit of idleness and portray it, and these counterfeits give us the sustenance we need to maintain our lives without the respite of idleness.

Lewis Thomson was indeed mistaken when he said that “music is the effort we make to explain to ourselves how our brains work.” Similarly, Simon and Garfunkel’s 59th Street Bridge Song is not an advertisement for the wonders of idleness. Music is not explanation or an argument; it is an indicator, and a symbol of our hidden dreams and yearnings. The real message behind the song is that “we want to be idle”. It’s a pity that idling can only be a dream...

(I Believe in) Travellin' light by Belle & Sebastian

2007-04-23T23:09:00.000-05:00

Rufus Wainright's Hallelujah

2007-04-13T00:22:00.000-05:00

My trip to Portugal (minus descriptions)

2007-04-08T21:41:00.000-05:00

You know, I could ramble on about how pleasant the Portuguese wind was, or how tasty Porto's egg tarts were, but I get the feeling that everybody who reads this blog would just rush ahead to the pictures anyway, so I'm gonna post afew random pictures from my spring break trip I thought looked pretty and let you figure out the rest on your own. I'll even give you helpful captions. Besides, if you're really interested, you'll send me angry messages/comments/emails or better yet, actually bother to ask me in person how I spent spring break.

A picture says a thousand words right?

Day 1: A view of Oxford from the top of a church tower on a very uncharacteristically clear day (especially by English standards)

Day 3: A view of Porto, Portugal's old capital. Pretty much the entire area that you see here is marked as a world heritage site by the UN.

Day 4 (I think): The avenue of allies in Porto

Day 5: A view of the nearby area of Villa de Conde

Day 5: The beaches of Villa de Conde

Day 6: The cathedral at Bragga, a nearby town once famed as the spiritual center of Portugal. Now it's just another tourist attraction.

We spent Day 7 and 8 shopping and eating and there wasn't much of interest. Day 9 was the day we got back to Oxford, slept for a few hours and then promptly flew back to America. But......

Day 10: We only have a day 10 because our Air India flight got delayed and Mom and I got stuck in Chicago, so heres the Cityscape from Millennium park.

It was nice, I recommend it to anyone with nothing better to do.

If you want to see the full-sized pictures, go here.

My World (by Sarah Tsang)

2007-03-27T03:21:00.000-05:00

The cloud walked past me today.
He kept his eyes stuck to the floor,
Like her was looking out for
Shiny nickels he would never find.

The sea scolded me today.
He entrapped me in his raging fists,
He left me cold and beaten,
Cursing myself for who I am.

The sky fell down and I picked
Him up from off the floor.
He was unable to achieve…
He wanted more. And more.

They hold me prisoner,
Hoping I’d find a shiny nickel or two,
Cursing my own capabilities,
A convict to my faults.
I’ve been withheld.
Locked away
In a dark room of this vicious irony.

I just got back from Chicago, I went to Portugal for Spring break. Why I say I came back from Chicago is an annoying story. Tell everyone about it later.

Cheers for Sarah's poem

The Winds of Winter

2007-03-14T16:02:00.000-05:00

The day outside is bright, cheerful. The air is crisp with the taste of dew and moist wood, the smells of spring. The breeze is light and gentle, tugging playfully and the hair of busy passersby. The wind was cold just yesterday, a freezing draft that pierced the heart with it's icy cold. Yet it's frosty grip has weakened and passed, giving way to the glorious morn of today. The deep drifts of snow that pile the sidewalk slowly melt, leaving large wet puddles everywhere, the footprints of the leaving winter. I look out to the great blue sky, the ever-stretching yonder, and wave slowly at it's retreat... a smile on my face.

The Trees, by Pulp

2007-03-08T13:54:00.002-06:00

A lesson in good lyrics. Or at least, rather amusing lyrics.

Who cares about lyrics in a song anyway?
Certainly not most people.

Whatever

Of Church

2007-03-05T16:19:00.000-06:00

My Parents have an important decision to make.

For most of the 6/7 months I've been here, we've been going to a church called Bethlehem Baptist church. Its that really big and famous one, the one headed by Pastor John Piper? You've probably heard of it, well, your Pastor has at least, probably. Anyway, it's the church that my Dad's friends, the Harrison and Held families, attend. Those families include Jim and Sharon, the elderly couple who were surrogate grandparents to my two older brothers 18 years ago and also my sister's new best friend, Caroline, their real grand daughter.

However, my Parents recently got introduced to this other church called T4C. I can't remember what that stands for but its a neat little asian church with a very vibrant youth ministry. My sister loves it there and there's even a Singaporean family.

Coming in third is a church called Stadium Village. This was the church my Parents attended 18 years ago when they were students in Minnesota. It's predominantly composed of asian and white college students going to the nearby University of Minnesota.

The conundrum is this, which church should the Tan family (minus my two older brothers) attend?

That's what's new with me, so feel free to uphold us in prayer as we ask God for guidance, seeing as this is a decently important matter.

Cheers folks

Anselm and the Ontological argument

2007-02-28T18:24:00.000-06:00

So I'm taking this philosophy of religion class and we've just finished covering Saint Anselm's proslogion, the book where he formulated the Ontological argument for the existence of God. And there's a problem. As far as I can tell and well uhh, reason, the entire argument doesn't make any sense at all to me.

First step of argument:
God is that which nothing greater may be conceived

Second step:
there are two possible forms of existence, the understanding and reality. It is better to exist in reality than in the understanding.

Third step:
since it is better to exist in reality, God being that which nothing greater may be conceived must therefore exist in reality.

Conclusion:
therefor God must exist

Am I the only one who sees the problem with that? If I've made a mistake representing it, will somebody please tell me because that's what I understand Anselm's argument to be, and I find it deeply problematic.

Days: by Flow

2007-02-22T19:31:00.000-06:00

This is the first opening theme of Eureka 7, an anime I've been watching recently. I think the bass and drum work in it is really cool, enjoy.

My Imaginary Friend: By the Divine Comedy

2007-02-15T22:27:00.000-06:00

Would you like to meet my little friend.
Don't try to shake his hand, he's just pretend,
His name is Benjamin, thats his name.
My momma says, 'your insane.'
Boy you really are the end.
You and your
Imaginary friend.

Daddy drives the mobile library,
He works peripatetically.
He doesnt get much time, to play with us,
So we just read, and make up stuff,
And it drives him round the bend.
Me and my
Imaginary friend.

I.M.A.G.I.N.A.R.Y.F.R.I.E.N.D.

One day we're gonna play hide and seek,
And then he'll be up the creek never to be seen again.
He'll disappear the day that childhood ends,
And reality descends,
I'll never forget you, my
Imaginary... friend

I have a 2-3 page response to St Augustine's 'On Free Choice of the Will' due tomorrow at 10.20, I've written 3 lines and have severe cases of thinking block and incoherence. Oh what to do, what to do......

A Conversation over MSN

2007-02-13T11:48:00.000-06:00

Seraphine: ahh well, i kno u'll forget my birthday plus my present
Jeremy: probably
Seraphine: HENCE, i'm reminding u to get my present
Seraphine: n i'll continue reminding you each time u come online
Jeremy: sure sure, i'll get u like a leaf or something
Seraphine: BAHH!! i want a macbook
Seraphine: so get 1 for my present! XD
Jeremy: how bout snow, snow any good?
Seraphine: NO, MACBOOK!
Jeremy: maybe spring water from niagra falls
Jeremy: nah thats too far
Seraphine: M-A-C-B-O-O-K
Jeremy: will minnehaha creek work?
Seraphine: -.-
Jeremy: oh i know!
Seraphine: MACBOOK!!!
Jeremy: a sticker from an IVCF conference!
Jeremy: wahaha
Seraphine: BAHH!!!!!
Seraphine: FINNY WANTS A MACBOOK, HENCE JEREMY TAN ZHI YI WILL GIVE HER ONE MACBOOK FOR HER BIRTHDAY ON 15 JUNE 2007
Seraphine: nyaa nyaa
Jeremy, Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band says:
(insert 'not' between 'will' and 'give')
Seraphine: BAHH
Seraphine: insert not later at the end of the sentence
Seraphine: hence jeremy tan zhi yi will not give her one macbook for her birthday on 15 june 2007, NOT =P
Jeremy: its a double negative
Jeremy, Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band says:
hence the entire sentence places no onus or burden on me to do what you ask
Seraphine: NO, it's makes total sense
Jeremy: tell that to a lawyer! :P
Seraphine:
lawyer 1: it is gramatically correct
judge: i agree wif lawyer 1!
judge: case closed!
Jeremy: policeman: both of you are under arrest for impersonating lawyers and judges
Seraphine: policeman 2: u are also arrested for impersonating a policeman!
Jeremy: policeman: the same to you (whips out gun and shoots policeman 2)
Seraphine: *policeman 2 wakes up frm the dead and possesses policeman*
Seraphine: *policeman 2 [in policeman] walks into the prison and claims he's guilty for impersonating ppl of authoratha*
Jeremy: (constantine exorcises dead policeman 2 and banishes him to the underworld, the policeman is exonerated)
Seraphine: BAHH

the conversation went on for pretty long, but you can see where its going.

I have weird friends :P

A Little Distant

2007-02-10T19:00:00.000-06:00

Its been a little over five months since I left. Its funny, this time last year, such a thing would have probably been inconceivable to me. I hardly talk to anyone back home anymore. I'm rarely online at the right times, given a 14 hour time difference, there are certain difficulties involved in that. I miss Sherman's jokes, Colin's foolery. I miss the big smiles of Evan and Yunxing, the lameness of Clarence. I miss my debaters, and Nabs and the rest of the gang. Believe it or not, I miss Ms Hia and Ms Wong, and ~~talking circles around them~~ having deep and meaningful discussions with them. I miss Luke's mischief, Hong Ghwee's easy going attitude, Youwei and Charmaine's beautiful music, Li Ling and Li Ping's shyness, Rachel's crazy laugh, and Jeanette laughing with her, Pastor's warm acceptance of it all. I miss Singapore...

yet, it feels... distant...

I'm not really into my classes this term. Mayhap, a little bit of the silver sheen of college has worn off. I wrote in the admission request that one of the reasons I applied was a thirst for knowledge, a desire to learn, to know, inspired by a witty line I read somewhere: "Knowledge is power, and I intend to be formidably armed" A little silly in retrospect. I am only a 16 year old, and as much as my mind likes the idea of single-mindedly pursuing knowledge for the idealistic goal of simply knowing 'the truth', I really miss home.

My parents got a nice house. Its got a big yard, a little tree platform in the back. A nice two car garage, a porch, a suite in the attic. We even put a table football table and a drum kit in the basement. It's everything a kid could want out of a house, bar a fast food outlet or something. Still, I find myself missing 6 Prince of Wales road. The house where I grew up; the people I grew up with. The street, the school, the hawker center, the bus stop, the canal, the people! Oh the people...

Its a drag being away, it really is and I wonder what was I sent here to do? What was I put on this continent to learn? Why did I come to America, to college, ripped away from the life I knew to this, so-called 'land of the free'!?

When do I get the answer?

Another kind of unease has also arisen in my mind. It's impossible not to change, impossible not to be unaffected by the people around you, at least for little mortal me. I feel like I'm making excuses, maybe I am. I've changed since coming here, and I'm not sure that it's for the better. I liked who I was, I cannot say the same for who I am. Before I left, Pastor Peter told me that I musn't become a liberal. I wonder whether I would be in his eyes now. Doubts and unease plague me. I know that when I finally go back, things will seem different. It's Singapore after all, where the constant is change. How much will it have changed, how much will I, have changed...

Novels were once deeply distrusted by critics. Just like the television and movies of today they were decried as evil influences that would corrupt the minds of the young and entrap them in worlds of fantasy and make-believe. Sometimes I think they were right, so much of our minds are taken with dreams and hopes of grand romance, dashing heroes and beautiful maidens, of epic adventures and rags to riches. Its nice to dream that everything would turn out the way you want it to. That maybe you'll get zapped by lightning and turn into a superhero, or maybe a little modest, just strike lucky and earn a ton of money in the stock market. Alas, the prospects of real life seem rather bleak. Not much in the way of fame and glory, or epic feats or undying glory. Time to change my thinking mayhap, revalue that which should be desired, get priorities straight, seek what really matters.

A hole in the shape of a certain someone that I need to fill...

I glaze over the blogs of my friends. O'level results just got out it appears. There is excitement, expectation, hope, anticipation. It comes through the words, an exuberance to life that I miss. I feel a little jaded, a little distant. Maybe it's the gloom of winter, the early darkness. Or maybe it's just the passing gloom of an angsty teenager who misses his friends...

I wanna be home, June 15th can't come soon enough...

A mis-named term

2007-02-05T15:31:00.000-06:00

Spring term has started, in the dead middle of winter. American's sure know how to time their terms.

I'm taking a coupla classes that look like they might take alot of work. Guess I'd better get my (insert Dad's) money worth out of it right? I'm also taking classical guitar, which looks like a ton of fun, I even get 2 credits out of it. It's great when you score points for doing what you enjoy :)

Despite what looks like a fun and insightful term ahead, I can't wait for June to get here. My flight's set at June 15th so I'll be back in Singapore on the 16th at the latest I think.

Just got back from a Christian conference organised by Intervarsity Christian Fellowship. It was cool.

Tell you all about it in a few months, later.

Music: Souvenir from Tokyo

2007-01-31T11:59:00.000-06:00

Here's a part of Yoko Kanno's concert 'Souvenir from Tokyo'. Its a piano medley of various songs redone in her own style. The titles of the songs in the order they are played are as follows:
the singing sea
piano black
ELM
green bird
and piano bar (modified)

I think it's awesome, but you're free to disagree. Just listen to it and see what you think.

For more of the concert go here. This guy has the whole thing.

Btw, spring term is starting, it looks like it's gonna be a ton of fun...

later folks

Chill

2007-01-27T23:56:00.000-06:00

Its a cold morning. The wind howls sharply. The window is frosty, the landscape white. I sit up groggily, a blank mind still asleep within a rising body. I step into the bathroom. The white tiles are cold to my feet, who shudder at their chilling touch. I make for the rug and welcome to buffer against the morning cold. I reach for my toothbrush, a weathered and pitiful thing. The motions of the morning bathroom ritual come to me. Forms and flows practiced day after day without fail, they are a routine, a predictable... a comfort.

After a morning session of gameplay and the customary web surfing, I proceed downstairs for breakfast. The term is misleading, its 11.30 and I'm the only one at the table. I drench my home-made 'belgian waffle' in maple syrup, and then throw on some ice cream for good measure. The whole mess looks like a something the stereotypical sweet-crazy fat kid dragged in, I take a large and big bite anyway. The sweetness is acute, sharp and shocking. My taste buds suddenly are swamped, my mind reels with the sheer strength of it. The carton of Eddy's Ice Cream reads, "Double-Vanilla: Intense and sweet", I groan silently while the overwhelming taste in my mouth plays 'pinata' with my reeling head. Thats why I don't eat breakfast...

We drive off to the winter carnival, because Dad decided it was a good idea. I grumble a little, but my mind is elsewhere, semi-present and unstable. The ice sculptures look depressed, lonely amidst to flat and bleak white landscape. Despite the thronging crowds, the horridly mass-produced smell of pop-corn and corn-dog, the place feels like a wretched, empty dump of artificial wasteland. The hole in my mind where the rain gets in isn't fixed, and it wanders, where it will go...

I read my friends blogs. The words on the screen are funny, somber, exciting yet mundane, but I am still hundreds of thousands of miles away, in a cold little room at a cold little desk with an old toshiba laptop that runs hot even in Minnesotan weather. What do you say when the friends you once knew pass you by, growing and gaining, living life and loving life, experiencing the joys and thrills that you should have shared with them, while you stare from behind an icy wall? The chill seeps through the window, frosting it's edges, but that is nothing, a passing cold that will be gone come spring. Another chill remains though, the one that creeps into my soul, freezing slowly the passions in my heart, leaving a deadened husk.

A chill that comes in the night and lingers in the frosts of a foreign land till a familiar dawn drives it away...

J-term slides to a close

2007-01-23T13:18:00.000-06:00

So, my final lecture ended an hour ago. Tomorrow, all we're doing is a final review session before the last exam and a trip to some speech on economics by some economic big-wig. Then it'll be finals on thursday and the lighning paced J-term will be over. Whew.

I met some friends to jam yesterday. It was fun.

I also seem to have exhausted interest in youtube anime and have taken to downloading the GW client on library computers so I can play on campus without bringing my laptop. Its actually surprisingly easy and quick to do. Cheers to free high speed internet.

I don't have pictures of the inside of the house yet, but I will soon. They're installing carpets on the stairs today so its better if I wait anyway.

Thanks for listening to (or reading rather) this mundane post.

Hope everyone back home is safe, sound and having fun!

Cheers

The Future?

2007-01-21T11:08:00.000-06:00

Ignorance is bliss, don't worry about tomorrow, for it shall worry about itself, a child's carefree smile is the brightest in the world; what wonderful sentiments these are. Yet the dark clouds of worry still furrow my brow and darken my sight. Worries about grades, worries about life, worries about the future.

Not too long ago, I was a secondary school student. A rather carefree and irresponsible one, despite being captain of a debate team. I was horrendous at chinese, barely passable at math & physics, and almost failing chemistry. The only subjects I had going for me were english and literature, odd subjects to be good at by Singaporean standards. I was a bit of a loner, I had a bunch of friends here and there and truckloads of acquaintances, but I had no proverbial "best friend". No confidant or best bud.

In retrospect, that wasn't really true, I had more friends than I cared to count (or at least I think I do) I just never really counted them properly. I was perenially under the impression that I was the unpopular geeky kid who was friends with Wei Zhang and Matthew and Shawn Sim (Hey just because they're on the debate team doesn't mean I like them right? Stupid shallow Fairsians!).

Anyhow, mayhap because of a minority view that was expressed to me, I ended up thinking that the vast majority of Fairsians thought I was a nerd/geek/dork (pick your poison). Like I said, in hindsight, this wasn't really true (at least I hope so :P); but it got me thinking.

If my social skills in secondary school are this shitty, what am I gonna do when I get into the real world, office politics, power struggles, the Great Big Rat Race of Life!

What a bother.

Well, everything took a backseat when sec 4 came and I found myself whisked off to America in a cloud of GEDs, SATs and TOEFLs. I found myself in the middle of University 2 years early, bombarded with "what's your major?" and "Why Hamline?" and "what're you gonna do once you bust this joint?". I didn't really know. I still don't, and its currently a rather large worry in my mind.

I've toyed with ideas of occupations before, on this very blog even. Political science, literary analyses, historiography, anthropology, economics, both macro and micro, music, theater arts...... The list is seemingly endless, and the clues I have on how to choose seemingly nonexistent.

What am I going to do with my life?

What a bother.

Then there comes religion. What is God? Who is God? If God is omnipotent but evil, then he is a tyrant. If God is omnipotent and good, then whence cometh evil. If God is not omnipotent, then evil or good, why call him God? A simple logical question, the problem of evil. And I find myself without a convincing answer.

Will a wiser soul illumine the flaw here, for I have stared hard and long and cannot see it.

Yet religion is not dependent on logic, and regardless of rhetoric or argument I cannot deny that which I have seen, and that which I have felt. My senses tell me there is a God, and my faith tells me that he is good.

Yet the seed of doubt remains, buried in the darkness of my soul awaiting the ray of sin and temptation to grow it anew...

What a bother.

What of my country, my homeland, the place where I belong? Singapura! That sunny island in the sea. They're building casinoes now, Intergrated Resorts they're called. And I silently wonder, are we really headed in the right direction? The PM says so, and in keeping with Singaporean tradition: "If he say like dat, den mus be rite lah! Why you worry so much, you stupid ah!?"

Amidst the growing tide of competition, and the rising might and prosperity of our neighbors both near and distant, who can say what the future holds for our little red dot?

What a bother.

And the last worry I care to mention. My identity.

Who am I? Who am I to you? Is that the same? Should it be? Can it be?

Stupid philosophical questions that plague me. When I was a kid my folks asked me what our family was. "Well, Mom and Dad are Chinese, but Er Ge and Da Ge are English cos they speak English!" (Well something to that effect) My parents were very tickled, and repeat the story in front of dinner guests to this day, but the implicit question plagues me. What defines race? Is it birth and blood, or is it upbringing and society. Am I chinese simply because of skin colour, or is there a deeper connection that must be made?

What does it mean to be Jeremy?

What a bloody bother...

Lego

2007-01-15T11:09:00.000-06:00

My love affair with lego started a long time ago, among the fragments of my earliest memories. My family lived in a rather cosy house in one of the enclosed neighborhoods of upper Bukit Timah. Of the little I recall of what my life was like before going to Primary School, most of it is inextricably linked to that house. I remember the long lazy days of nothing but toy cars and action figures and TV watching. And I remember the cooking sets and the hawker stall me and my sister would set up, trying to get our parents to taste our non-existent cooking. And then there was the lego... I remember sneaking into the room of my Brothers while they were both at school and timidly touching and fumbling the lego sets they left lying around. A dangerous business, for the consequences of discovery were a harsh verbal lashing and a fierce glares. Scary business indeed for a 5 year old. But the allure of the lego was great, and I returned again and again, to the dismay of my older siblings (or at least one of them).

Eventually, I convinced my parents to let me have a lego set of my own. I remember it, a large (by lego standards) fire station, with a tall tower and helicopter as well as a fire truck (well fire van really, it was no where near the right size for a truck) and a few appropriately dressed firefighters. I was overjoyed, jubilant, it was awesome, at least, for awhile.

I don't really know why I decided to write about all this in the first place, but lets just go on and see where this leads me.

If this isn't already apparent to you, I think Lego is awesome. Its a magnificent concept, a toy block that, when put together with other similar toy blocks, has infinite possibility. With these blocks, you could make anything, anything a young boy's imagination could conjure, or at least, a good many of them. A towering castle with spires and battlements perhaps?

Or maybe an impenetrable JSDF Battle Tank with rotating turret and pilot?

Or maybe even a life size Darth Vader!

Whatever, you get the idea.

The point is that lego allows youngsters the freedom to express their imagination. To exercise (if you'll allow me the cliche) their creative muscles and gain imaginative muscle mass! I think its fair to say that that's fairly desirable.

After all, isn't innovation the driving force behind humanities' success. Is it not our ingenuity (or stupidity, depending on your point of view) that has allowed us to dominate this Earth and wreak havoc upon its environment (not that that's a good thing).

It seems like I've just created a serious flaw in my own argument... oh well.

For the sake of continuing the post, lets assume more creativity = more good.

Now back to the point: LEGO IS AWESOME! So we have point 1, lego promotes creativity. Point 2 is that I am really really clever, so you should just take my word for it and believe that LEGO IS AWESOME. Therefore I win!

So as to ensure that my argument is complete with all three forms of appeal (logical, ethical and pathetic), look at this Lego man's face!

It's just so pathetic you have to pity it!

So go out and get a lego set NOW!

Because they're awesome!

Ok obligatory blogging is done now, later folks.....

stuff

2007-01-09T13:36:00.000-06:00

Its January term. There's work to do. I have a midterm on Thursday. Random pictures below. Nuff said.

Random Pictures

2007-01-09T13:18:00.000-06:00

Old friends of my Dad

My Dad sitting on a bridge over Minnehaha Creek (visible in the background)

Park next to aforementioned creek

A view from my house in the middle of minor snowfall

Random Wondering

2007-01-04T15:27:00.000-06:00

The sky is a pearl-blue colour, with tinges of orange, cast by the setting sun. The tree's are bare, skeletal, their shedded foilage masked by a blanket of virgin snow. Smoke rises in pillars from the center of the campus, from vents that protrude from the top of a short square dwarf of a building. They rise into the air, dissipating into the light mist that shrouds the University. A silence accompanies it.

The beginning of January. For students the world over, a hectic time of new beginnings and crazed working on holiday homework. Yet here at Hamline, it's quiet. Winter term classes start and end stealthily, quietly, as if trying to avoid notice. Students shuffle in and out of class quickly with little comment. The world seems a little grayer than usual. At sundown, campus is nearly deserted. A bubble world, a ghost town, right in the midst of the metropolis. I watch from the window of the library, the sole bastion of constant activity, and wonder idly......

The snow melts and falls and melts and falls and melts and falls again. A cycle, of sorts. The leaves are green, then red, then yellow, then brown, then dirt while new leaves grow again. Yet the cycle is not noticed. We see the leaves and they seem like they were that way forever, their color does not change before our eyes. Yet we look away and as we turn our heads again suddenly a season has passed and the same leaf is of a different hue. Regret, longing, what place have these in the whirligig of time? Who can say what merit there is in ignoring the present to live for the future only to be disenchanted and realize that it was another future you were seeking for, or that the future you seek is an idealized impossibility. Why then hope, for if hoping in this world leads only to dissapointment, why place hope in it at all?

Winter, a season for death; that is statistically proven it seems. The sun sets to early, yet the dawn does not hasten itself to the remedy. Therein, a pallor falls on the soul and many are driven to darkness. Is that not the truth? And not just for the common man too, look to the tidings of those great men. In the last year, how many have fallen? Ariel Sharon, Milton Friedman, Gerald Ford, men great in the world's eyes, stricken down by disease and death. A year of grave tidings is what we have left; but do we go to a brighter future? A dubious answer awaits...

A new year has come, yet winter has fallen upon us, and upon my heart. A darkness that weighs me. Melodramatic words fill my mind as the ground crumbles beneath my soul, casting it into a slushy pit of cold despair and solemn silence. A little longer though, just a bit more, and mayhap the sun will rise again. After all, the poet is wont to write only in life's extremes; at least it seems that way to me. This is just another rut I happen to have staggered in, and eventually, I will stagger my way out of it and cast these words out of my mind. Until then, I will wallow in the pit of my self-created misery, and wonder...

--------
J-term classes have started. I'm taking microeconomics. Its boring. Nuff said.

Looking forward to June, in case you couldn't tell.

Later folks

New Year?

2007-01-01T00:00:00.000-06:00

Meh, the new year snuck up on me while I was watching anime.

Happy New Year Folks, while you may have botched all of last year's resolutions, there'll be many other things you should be worried about botching which are far more important. So take it easy, kick back and enjoy the New Year fireworks while you can.

Not that sleepy St Paul has any, meh.

Cheers

2006-12-30T00:18:00.000-06:00

That was a sequence from NHK ni Yokoso! An anime I finished watching recently that only just finished its run in Japan. I think its pretty damn awesome, but I've been known to be wrong. So watch it and come to your own conclusions.

I also really liked that song for a long time, it was stuck in my head for a very long time.

On a completely unrelated note, check this article out, and as an afterthought, this one too. Useful reading for those who aspire to be informed gamers/ internet policy thinkers :P

Random

2006-12-28T00:44:00.000-06:00

The words, in case you want em are as follows:

Title of the Song - By Da Vinci's Notebook

Title of the song

Declaration of my feelings for you
Elaboration on those feelings
Description of how long these feelings have existed
Belief that no one else could feel the same as I
Reminiscence of the pleasant times we shared
And our relationship's perfection
Recounting of the steps that led to our love's dissolution
Mostly involving my unfaithfulness and lies
Penitent admission of wrongdoing
Discovery of the depth of my affection
Regret over the lateness of my epiphany

(Chorus)
Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs
Repetition of the title of the song

Enumeration of my various transgressive actions
Of insufficient motivation
Realization that these actions led to your departure
And my resultant lack of sleep and appetite
Renunciation of my past insensitive behavior
Promise of my reformation
Reassurance that you still are foremost in my thoughts now
Need for instructions how to gain your trust again
Request for reconciliation
Listing of the numerous tasks that I'd perform
Of physical and emotional compensation

(Chorus)

Acknowledgment that I acted foolishly
Increasingly desperate pleas for your return
Sorrow for my infidelity
Vain hope that my sins are forgivable
Appeal for one more opportunity
Drop to my knees to elicit crowd response
Prayers to my chosen deity
Modulation and I hold a high note...

(Chorus)

Incidentally I thought this was funny too, so enjoy...

Cheers folks, Happy Holidays.

Reflections

2006-12-26T22:59:00.000-06:00

The day before Christmas eve... it was chilly out. The snow fell in big puffed up blotches of white that covered the sky and blotted out light. It was transient, a fragmentary moment, like a leaf that flutters in the wind, only to plunge after a sudden gust, plummeting to the dirty ashphalt of the street to be trampled and forgotten in the mists of five minutes ago. It was just another moment in time... yet somehow different...

The snow came furiously, in torrents, as if to make up for the dry spell that the Twin Cities had felt for the past three months I had been there. Faith was jumping excitedly, exclaiming "there's snow! there's snow". The rest of us smiled and contentedly looked on, going about the business of setting our new house up. Serene and tranquil, what better way was there to spend the weekend before Christmas? Probably something if I bothered to think of it, but I didn't, after all, I was content, that scene was enough for me.

It looked like the snow would go on for awhile, but I got up with a camera and took a shot anyway. A good idea as it turned out, for the snow stopped falling ten minutes later and didn't come again except in tiny flurries, almost insignificant in comparison with the snow storm before it. It was a funny feeling though, here was I, a young, inexperienced teenager living for the first time in a foreign land seeing snowfall for the first time and... everything was, well... almost disappointing. All of us have certain dreams, certain aspirations and expectations, certain ideal visions of what certain things are like. Like a desert Oasis, a paradise of shade and refreshment in the middle of searing sands and blazing sun. Or the picturesque sunset on a beach in Hawaii, with the sun setting in the distant blue ocean, casting lazy orange glows on the whole sky. Here was one of those ideal visions right in front of me, fresh billowy snowfall, only it wasn't so ideal, there was no soft dramatic music, or wonderful spell of insight. It was just an ordinary moment, a little colder mayhap, but there it was, and it passed without incident. Another ideal vision, crushed under the foot of reality, another hardening of the soul, a preparation for the underwhelming truth of life.

Yet, I was grateful, for it is in these moments that we learn what life is about. Hollywood schools us to believe in the 'Great Romance', and 'Grand Adventure'. Novels and Pop Culture make us look for our own 'Happily ever after'. A vain search it seems to me, because our lives will always be filled with a vague uncertainty. One that can only be filled with belief in God, and contentment with what his grace has presented us with. Mayhap, that is hard to swallow, maybe I don't fully believe it yet either, because in my heart of hearts, and maybe in all of ours too, we all want to believe the dream, even if we know it doesn't exist...

Perhaps one day I will learn to be content with the ordinary. Perhaps one day we will all see our hopes and wants for what they are, and see the world for what it is, not what we want it to be. The road is long and winding, but I'm taking small steps day by day, living out the ordinary moments of my life... because thats what life is about.

Real Living.

Happy Holidays

2006-12-25T22:27:00.000-06:00

So another year passes by, and we come to that time of the year again. That joyous day which every fortunate child looks forward to with yearning and happy expectation. No presents for guessing it (you should be getting presents anyway, unless you're a sad, friendless, kinless and hence very sorry individual, you have my sympathies), its Christmas.

For those of you who are lagging behind on news of current events, this is my first Christmas in the 'land of the free', also my first 'white Christmas', and well, to put a long story short, after the hectic bustle of my first term at Hamline University, the relaxed Christmas I have nearly finished spending here was a welcome change (despite the charged and energetic efforts of my Dad for it to be otherwise). The wind is strong, the fire pleasant, the sister sleeping, and the laptop working, for these I am grateful.

I even got a guitar stand out of the deal, awesome Christmas in my books : )

So, here's hoping yours was just as fun! Happy holidays, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

and now for the post-post messages:

-Happy Birthday to Jeanette in advance, hope you're having fun having a break from school in Singapore.

-Despite the glowing qualities a white Christmas is given in the song 'I'm dreaming of a White Christmas', I think it's kinda overrated. At least in St Paul anyway. The snow is thawing after a 'out of nowhere' rise in temperature. The wind is strong so its still freezing outside after windchill is taken into account, and everything, and I mean everything is closed, even walmart I think. Meh, oh well.

Cheers
Jeremy

2006-12-21T19:56:00.000-06:00

Resplendent reams of mystic dreams
array themselves in splendour
The verse so keen attends the seam
of the feelings they engender

The golden tangents the artist would rent
may cast the viewer adrift
But poetic rhyme of clear intent
will to understanding lift

Though his twisting plot full of complex rot
may obscure clear meaning
The glorified spot the poet has not
sends the masses a'dreaming

That is to say that this rhyme I play
is not in fact a fresh vision
But rather a way for me to display
a view of a poet's mission

Notice

2006-12-13T20:12:00.000-06:00

Been busy meeting my brother and slacking off instead of writing papers. Will endeavor to get to real work, which means even less blogging than now. Check back come the 21st.

If you're really bored, you can check out my 'electronic portfolio'. The username you can use is Sonali and the password is password. Happy holidays folks.

A touch of sadness

2006-12-11T22:14:00.000-06:00

My buddy youwei has been talking about some issues on his blog recently, about cruelty and environmental concerns and general nastiness in society. I think its a worthy discussion even if not much is gonna happen even if we talk about it. All we can do is pray I guess : P

To expand on what he referred to as "the selfishness of man", it seems that often we quail in the face of the cruelty our fellows have inflicted on others. We hear the news about starving children in Bosnia, genocide in Darfur, devatsation in Lebanon but we don't do much about it. A reporter filming a grisly scene of war in a Hollywood movie (I can't remember the name) makes this comment after being asked whether the footage will help the suffering people in the war-torn 3rd world country they are in: "People will look at it and go, "oh thats awful". And then they'll sit down, have dinner with their families and forget about it."

We receive horrible news often on a daily basis, everyday there is a new tragedy for our sympathy and mourning, delivered to us in a crisp english accent from the mass media. If one pays attention, we realize that there is so much devastation and horror taking place as we speak that it is mind-numbing. Atrocities are committed faster than we can even think about and as such, we don't bother. The result of this bombardment of horror is desensitization and apathy.

Maybe part of the reason why we don't care is because we don't see any way we can help the aggrieved. Maybe thats true. Humanity has always shot itself in the foot in increasingly new and novel ways. We race to invent interesting ways to blow ourselves up, choke ourselves with inhaled tar and/or poison ourselves with pollution. With all this rot going on, its hard not to believe that humanity is bringing itself to ruin.

In the face of all this tragedy, it is easier to turn our minds to what we think we can change, like injustice toward animals! Instead of bothering with the hard problems, lets deal with the cute fuzzy-wuzzies and go on strike so we can make life harder for everyone. Lets cast into doubt all our sources of food, while Children in Africa starve, so we can feel better about ourselves!

It's not like I'm against animal rights or anything, but like I commented on Youwei's blog, in the face of cruelty we inflict and let happen to our own kind, the stuff we do to animals is inconsequential by comparison. I say save the oppressed in Darfur before the rabbits! Too bad nobody seems to care...

On a more cheerful note, Yunxing's birthday should be somewhere in the region of this week. Happy Birthday Yunxing!

Real living

2006-12-09T18:49:00.000-06:00

You know those times when you look around and wonder how you got where you are. When you look back over your shoulder and see everything you once looked forward to, once hoped and dreamed for, scurrying away in the dust of time. When you wonder where in the world all that time you had went off to, and wonder again, in your heart of hearts, where in the world you're headed.

The future is always uncertain it seems. Who would have dreamed that my Oldest Brother would work at the Ministry of Foreign Affairs? Or that my Father would have returned after 20 years to teach in St Paul? Who would have dreamed that I would be enrolled at a University before even taking the O'levels!? Joy, happiness, excitement, relief and overwhelming pride. Who wouldn't feel that way? Yet the novelty wears off, and as much as being a 16 year-old freshmen in college is extremely prestigious and exciting and 'all that', it gets tired. Everyone around me is older, larger, I feel small, out of place in this big fast-paced world. Its not that I can't handle the work, the lowest grade I've gotten on work I've handed in is A-, far better than I did in Singapore. I'm ahead of most of my fellows, and on good standing with all my professors. I have friends who I talk to, a band I play in, a Christian fellowship and biblestudy I attend regularly, most of them don't even know how much younger I am than they are. Yet I feel awkward at times, as if I don't deserve to be there.

In many ways I do deserve it. I grasp the concepts flying around in my Religion class. Think deeply about whats going on (or at least I like to think so). In English, its clear from the discussions that I'm one of the more cogent contributors. My grades thus far have outstripped anyone I've cared to compare them with. Yet I feel undeserving, like everything I've gained is a flood of unbelievably good luck. Maybe it is, and I am merely overrating myself. Regardless, all of it doesn't matter, because slowly, I'm beginning to hate living here. I don't know how my older brothers managed it, living away from home. I even have Dad here with me and plenty of warm and friendly faces. However, I still can't stop myself from hating it a little, from missing home a lot. I can't stop myself from being so damn unhappy! America isn't all it's made out to be, I'm frustrated with its un-Singaporeaness.

My Dad told me that I may not be able to go back to Singapore in the Summer because of Singapore's strict policy toward pre-NS males trying to get University degrees. As much as I understand his good intent in saying so and appreciate the effort he put in to get me into University in the first place; as much as I love my Dad, I can't help but hate him a little for that, for this whole mess of Singaporean NS law and University life. It isn't his fault I know; everything is for my own good; I know that too. It doesn't make me like it any better, and the prospect of not being able to go home and see everyone I love and miss, just makes it all depressingly bleak, a cesspool of anger and irritance.

I'm not terribly oppposed to National Service. I buy the PAP rhetoric on it being neccessary for Singapore and whatnot. But at times like this, principle is clouded by the emotional and practical detriments incurred by it. Serving my country is all very well and good, but why can't I get a degree abroad before coming back to do it? Why must I stay away from my own country so that I can avoid being stopped from studying and bettering myself even though I have no intention of avoiding National Service in the first place. There are reasons for this I know, not terribly good ones, but justifiable ones nonetheless. Yet I feel the need to rage against them, to decide them to be undeniably evil and unjust so I point my self-righteous finger and curse them and shift my attention away from my loss. A temporary loss to be sure, but a painful one nonetheless. I wan't to see the friends I left, the home I grew up in, is that so selfish?

A part of me wants to say "no, you're perfectly justified in feeling that way, and fie on any who would deny what you know to be true". Another part screams "yes", a muffled scream, smothered by the strong hand of emotion. I want to go home, ironically, its not mine anymore. We sold it and now my Oldest Brother lives in an apartment in Serangoon (I think, I'm not even sure of that). It brings to mind buddhist dogma, "void is existence, existence is void" all time is transient, all endeavor meaningless, the belief in the cycle of the ages, the wisdom of futility. But I don't want to believe that, time has to be headed somewhere, life has meaning, purpose! We were put on this Earth for a reason, right!? To improve the lot of our fellow man, to bring peace where there is war, to spread the word of God and worship him as our lord and savior! Are these not what we are called to do? Why then am I so unsure about it? What can I do, in the face of indomnitable reality? Quail and cower, and live a meaningless life in the knowledge that all existence is so? What point is there in this dark and terrible world of "giving it your best" and "reaching for the sky"? I can't reach it, and I'm tired of trying...

Maybe this is just a rut I'm in, a little pothole in the long and winding road of life. I shall try to clamber out, and walk the narrow path. I shall work my way and slog my guts into a half-way decent GPA. Maybe tomorrow, if the sun is shining and the wind is pleasant, I will feel better about this whole nasty business of living in the world. Maybe tomorrow. Right now, I just wanna curl up into a ball and dream of good things...

because real life is so much harder than the movies...

Cool Singaporean Stuff

2006-12-05T13:24:00.000-06:00

This is absolutely brilliant. You should be able to find the rest of the show on youtube as well, if you know where to look. Check it out.

Crunch Time

2006-12-04T15:40:00.000-06:00

The home stretch is starting, the finishing line in sight. It is the beginning of the end, the end to all homework and eleventh hour scrambling. It is the opening ray of the dawn that chases away the twilight; the holy light that drives away the darkness of winter. The burning fire that annhilates every vestige of despair. Peril must be faced to reach it, and none save the most valiant and stout-hearted shall make it through unscathed. But its glory overwhelms that. Our goal is in sight brethren! Look to it and weep, for it comes to liberate you!

In other words, my term ends in two weeks or so and with it come tons of papers, projects, last minute research, and nail-biting deadline-rushing. It'll be grand when its over.

You guys on the other hand should have plenty of time, so check out this electone player's music. I think its downright awesome what you can do with that synth she has, maybe Youwei should look into that eh?

Later guys

Random Thoughts

2006-11-29T19:51:00.000-06:00

Methinks a great many things
methinks a great lot
about small coiled springs
and great black spots

Melikes to think of poetry
and prose so fair
of gallant chivalry
and dazzling dares

Mewonders about the sky
and the golden sun
it hangs there so high
does it have any fun?

Methinks a great many things
with little reason but much rhyme
these words were a pleasant swing
a way to pass the time

mhmmm, that took like, five minutes.

-NEWSFLASH-
In other news, Jeremy was annoyed that folks like Jacq and Issac apparently took down their blogs. He liked acting smart on said websites and said he missed the oppurtunity to do so. He also asserted that they should have much more free time than he does and thus have no justification for shutting down their blogs.
-We now bring you back to your program, sorry for the interruption-

The great white moon was full that night. The people were dreaming, the cars all stood parked. Even the wind rustled not the leaves of the abundant trees, as if afraid to disturb the tranquility. All was still, and quiet, the creeping silence of the night. I lay stiffly in the bed. I closed my eyes, immersing myself in the great black ocean of my thoughts... silence. Slowly, like a lone white sailboat in a dark moonlit bay, an idle thought swam gently across the surface of my mind. It made gentle ripples, stirring up other dormant thoughts, a silent explosion of image and memory.

I recall a moment in the past, one so long ago that it seems yellowed even. I am younger then, so much younger, and smaller, and much more ignorant and immature. We are running, my friends and I, engaged in that joyous activity that almost every child the world over knows. We are playing tag. Its a serious business, with grim and high stakes. Its a zero sum game, with no middle ground, no quarter is given or taken, a fierce bloodsport. Its glorious victor, with all the jeering rights that entails, or devastated loser, at whom verbal tomatoes fly.

Faces come to mind, names blurred and fuzzy. We are running in the corridor of the school, warnings of the old and kindly cleaner heard but unregarded. At my side, is my comrade, we run in unison, away from the assigned catcher. Yet in our haste turning the corner, he trips and falls. The catcher grasps the oppurtunity with both hands and lunges forward, shoving my friend down as he attempts to recover. He is crushed against the floor, completely caught, defeated. The catcher-turned-runner picks himself up and escapes. Caught between helping and fleeing I hesitate, and then help my friend up, I recall his name, his words, saying softly,"thanks, you're the best friend I've ever had......"

For a moment, the game was forgotten, and we stood not as catcher or runner, but as two kindred beings expressing a moment of friendship and gratitude, a moment that went as quickly as it came.

Then we were off, running for our lives and for the glory of being the uncatchable...

I don't know where that boy is now, or whether he even remembers this. I don't even know whether I remember this, for we might not have been playing tag or running. But I remember helping him up, and remember his words, his thanks. At the time, those words were probably the nicest things that anyone had ever said to me, ever, and I was eternally grateful for them.

"An act of kindness is more than a point on a scoreboard, a word of kindness is more than a simple courtesy, don't treat them like they are."

With that last ligering thought, I laid back into my pillow, and drifted of into the realm of sleep......

The Dream of being Idle

2006-11-29T11:53:00.000-06:00

“Music is the effort we make to explain to ourselves how our brains work.” Or so the esteemed Lewis Thomson claimed. The 59th Street Bridge Song would appear to disagree with this, for it does not bother with explanations at all but sends a very clear message that seems obvious from its first line. The message ostensibly is this: “Slow down” and enjoy life, played to an easy, whimsical and calming tune. The later lines reiterate this, describing a dream-like state of idleness and well-being and ending with a benevolent “life I love you, always groovy”. These slogans from the swinging sixties sound perfectly reasonable. Yet what does ‘slowing down’ and ‘making the moment last’ really mean? We don’t need to be told to enjoy life and pursue happiness. The real question is how do we go about doing so? According to the 59th Street Bridge Song, the answer is by idling.

It would seem that, according to popular culture today, the exact opposite is true. According to Mario Andretti, a renowned race driver, “it's the determination and commitment to an unrelenting pursuit of your goal that will enable you to attain the success you seek”. John Lubbock is harsher, saying that “The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest, for he has not earned it.” Once admirably idle activities such as bantering, admiring scenery and staring at clouds have been labeled as “unproductive”. We have relegated them to the outhouses of our minds, and have denounced them as foolishness and idiocy. This is the legacy of the protestant work ethic. That every day of our life must wrung dry for every drop of efficiency and that idleness, as a rule, is at best useless, and at worse a dangerous sign of mental degeneracy. Idling is a thing to warn your child against, to shun and to repress.

Yet, despite conventional wisdom, and in defiance of ancient proverbs, there is a certain romanticism that has been attached to idleness. Although we achieve success through hard work, the reward we receive and indeed were striving for in the first place is idleness. This is similar to the dream of George and Lennie from John Steinbeck’s “Of Mice and Men”. They work at ranches in the hope that eventually they will own their own farm where they will spend their days tending rabbits and “live offa the fatta the land”. This is the myth of the American Dream, that if you put in enough effort, and have enough determination, you can earn a big pile of cash and retire young to enjoy life and be idle. Our symbols of success and enjoyment: week-long cruises in the pacific, golfing trips in Ireland, sun-bathing in Hawaii and early retirement. We have idealized idleness as the ultimate reward of our efforts.

Yet this reward never really materializes. How many aging retirees really do spend their ‘Golden years’ in flower shirts on the beaches of California? How many multi-millionaire CEOs really make a fortune and then quit and head off to Honolulu for a martini? Witness the example of business legends like Carl Icahn and Warren Buffet who are still actively involved with their businesses in their seventies. Charles Simmons warns us that “it is only the constant exertion and working of our sensitive, intellectual, moral, and physical machinery that keep us from rusting, and so becoming useless.” Thus, not only is it unthinkable to pursue idleness without first becoming a success, even after we have succeeded idleness is beyond our grasp. For sure, there are the privileged and pampered few who do indeed enjoy the fruits of (often someone else’s) hard labor. Yet their rarity confirms the general trend. The song of idleness has been drowned out by the overwhelming yawn of politically correct society. We have traded irreverent freedom for the dogmatic and all-consuming yoke of Materialism.

Thus, idleness has been divorced from reality. We strive to succeed in order to be idle and in order to be successful, we must cast aside idleness. After achieving success however, we raise the bar even higher, and thus still cannot be idle. To quote Mark Slouka, “Fish gotta swim and birds gotta fly, you gotta work like a dog ‘til you die”. There is no room for idleness in reality; the only place left for it is our mind.

This brings us to the crux of this essay: if idleness cannot survive in reality, it must take refuge in our dreams. These dreams express themselves in every medium known to man. Our movies, our fiction, our artwork, our poetry, all of them contain slivers of the idle spirit, cracks in the cave of capitalism. Books like “On the Road” and music from the Beatles all allow us small snatches of idleness and we treasure and revere these snatches. These patches numb us to the price of our eternal bustle. They pacify our hidden hopes and dreams and let us escape from the ‘big and nasty world’. They are our gateway into the idyllic matrix of idleness that exists only in our imagination. We know that superheroes don’t exist, we know that you need more than love to survive, and we know that life is not “always groovy”, but we indulge in the song, and because of that fleeting moment, can carry on living our lives. We attempt to capture the spirit of idleness and portray it, and these counterfeits give us the sustenance we need to maintain our lives without the respite of idleness.

Lewis Thomson was indeed mistaken when he said that “music is the effort we make to explain to ourselves how our brains work.” Similarly, Simon and Garfunkel’s 59th Street Bridge Song is not an advertisement for the wonders of idleness. Music is not explanation or an argument; it is an indicator, and a symbol of our hidden dreams and yearnings. The real message behind the song is that “we want to be idle”. It’s a pity we only think being idle is a dream.

By Jeremy Tan

Critique please!

I was made to Hit in America

2006-11-28T09:08:00.000-06:00

This is the opening song for the anime Beck. I think its awesome.

Really tired now, stayed up till 2 last night to write papers. I'll probably put one of them up later.

Hope everyone had a happy thanksgiving.

What I wanna be when I grow up.

2006-11-23T11:16:00.000-06:00

Everybody's heard this question before, "What do you wanna be when you grow up?". For a select lucky few of us, the answer is crystal clear. For the vast majority however, we have, at best, a vague idea, if not a complete blank. Its a big question, though the above version might not make it seem so. It ties in with all kinds of other big questions like, "Where should I go after A'levels?", "What do I really enjoy doing", "What do I wanna do with my life?" and "How much time do I wanna spend sleeping every day?". These are all important questions, and as is the usual case with these, the answers to them are, shall we say, tricky. More often than not, we put them off, procrastinating as much as we can until reality and circumstance force these ugly queries upon us.

After much deliberation however, I have, ahead of time, tried to fanthom out an answer to the first question. I have however, too many answers. So heres the list (in no particular order) of "What I wanna be when I grow up":

Business
-Equity (Unlikely): (Investment, financing and stuff I guess) not really sure what it involves. However I figure its basically firms which invest in businesses and earn money when the business they invested in make money. (shrugs) its just a field of business I can see myself in. You can tell I'm not really sure what the job really entails. Moreover, I'm not particularly keen on business in the first place.

-Consultation Firm for Risk Analysis (Unlikely): I'd tell companies whether or not its a good idea to get into certain countries to do business. I think this'd be an okay job, but I'm inserting this one on the spur of the moment. It probably would be a dull job. (shrugs) Who knows?

Creative Arts
-Musician for a Christian band (Dream Job): genre would deped on who I form it with but thats the idea, however unlikely it may be. I'd do either rhythm guitar/vocals or drums. (Mainly inspired by Beck)

-Film Director/ screenplay or script writer (Dream Job): I always thought stuff like that was cool. I have afew ideas swimming in my head for various plays and/or screenplays. I always inadvertedly start picturing scenes in an imaginary movie in my head when I hear certain pieces of music. I think it'd be an awesome job.

-Author of Fiction/Poetry (Possibility): This'd probably tie in with jobs in Academia. I'd probably be a prof of english or political science somewhere and write fiction (or academic papers, depending) in my free time. Hopefully, I'd become some super big shot writer and quit my teaching job to write full time. Meh, see how lah. Anyhow I have ideas for books too, which overlap the ideas for films and plays, I think though that I have to get better at writing first before I can carry out either.

-Film/Book critic (Unlikely): This would probably mean I have to major in Theater Arts or literature or something like that. I'm not sure I'm up for that, however, I'm up for the job I guess, though I probably wouldn't like it very much. I'd end up like Krishna I guess, doing a job only because it pays me. Bleagh.

Academia
-Professor of Political Science specializing in the area of South East Asia (Possibility): I talked this one through with a prof of mine (he actually encouraged me to go into the business of accounting and auditing, sounds too boring to me however). We figured this was the area of political science that was the most likely to get me a job in the states.

-English Professor (Possibility): I'd probably teach writing skills classes for college freshmen and stuff like that, it'd probably tie in with the writing job above.

-Professor of Psychology specializing in the Psychology of linguistics (Unlikely): I dunno, this is just a field I'm really interested in. The psychology behind words and stuff, how langauge affects thought and how people in different cultures and countries react differently to different words. I guess it has some sociological connotations too. (I've also probably used the terms wrongly, but hey this is a blog, no one really cares)

-Professor of Philosophy specializing in the philosophy of Japanese Anime (Unlikely): Again, a field I think would be awesome. I also think the subject is deserving of study, and have thought alot alot alot about it. Seems like fun I think, but probably won't happen.

Other
-A job in the Gahmen of Singapore (Unlikely): If my brother who has a degree in Psychology can get a job in the MFA, I'm sure a 20/22 year old graduate in Political Science/Econs can get one somewhere. Then again, I don't really know that, probably I'd have to go do graduate studies in some super big name university first. Oh well.

-Teacher/education critic (Unlikely): Another field/issue i'm deeply interested in/feel very strongly about.

-Volunteer Work (Unlikely): I could join the peace corp or the red cross or something, or go join a team of missionaries and spend my life doing that. Eventually, maybe I'd become a big shot director in some aid organization, wouldn't that be cool. Then again, I'm probably not cut out for that kinda stuff. (shrugs) who knows?

Most of these jobs involve me making pretty crazy decisions from here on, some of which will be rather irreversible. Again this is a tentative list, and there is a distinct possiblity that I will end up doing none of these things. Many of them involve me remaining in the states and possibly never returning to Singapore (that would be really sad). Anyhow, here are my interests, make of them what you will.

For those of you who have asked, guess what: My sister's PSLE score beat me, walao, she broke a Tan family trend. Here are her Grades:
English: A* (Suprising for me, I expected her A* to be in Chinese)
Math: A
Science A
Chinese: A
Higher Chinese: Merit (Walao how can, my Sister is definitely better than that at Chinese!)
Aggregate: 243 (4 points higher than me!)
Not that it really matters anyway, I can use Singapore's flawed education system as an excuse!

Thats all for now folks, Happy Thanksgiving!

Slip Out (Little More than Before) by Takuma

2006-11-22T09:47:00.000-06:00

I don't know since when I changed to such a cold-hearted guy
I have to warm this frozen, icy, lonely heart to thaw
I like being wrapped with warmness more than anything else for sure
I'm gonna make my coming days to be filled with laughter and joy

I let myself down that I'm more cruel than I thought I would be
I'm just a loser who ends up by caring for my soul
I don't give my heart to no one cause I don't wanna waste my time
I tried to love this loneliness to slip out of this lonesome hole

Sorrow is what I hate but it's grown my sensations
Regrets taught me how to make any hard decisions
Peace is always by my side but I've never felt it once
Love is not the word only for a sweet romance

Well, I'm scared, scared, scared, scared to death
And I'm scared to keep on going on my way
Well, I'm scared, scared, scared, scared to death
And I'll tell myself I'm special till the end

Recalling my torn, broken, aching heart of those long days
And all the memories I wanted to forget for making leaps
Recalling, breaking, aching, crying, making sure to me
And I take all and grin at my future on the way