aerasio

Benevolent Ambivalence

21/09
The proff was passionate today, as usual. Nearly didn't let us out of class. It was raining, so we were sleepy, but he went on anyway, trying to wrest some meaning out of Stevenson's essay and thrust it into our thick craniums. I sat there, blank, mute. Furious thoughts poured through my head which slid harmlessly into the oblivion of indifference. I had a thousand things to say, yet I said nothing. The class idiot made an ass of himself, to the delight of the class and the bewilderment of the professor. I stifled a sigh and waited for it to end......

17/09
It was cold, freezing even outside. We had just gotten back from a pleasant stroll by the lake. We were at a friend's place for dinner. They were a kindly British couple who had been friends with dad since 20 years ago. They were nice. We had curry for dinner while their large, friendly and excited dog made a nuisance of himself for our hosts. I didn't mind. They were nice. We took a walk and I nearly froze, though I didn't let it show. Who likes letting stuff like that show? It was cold, but I'd been in colder. So I got used to it. When we got back into the house, I went up to wash my hands. The water from the tap came from the cold faucet, but it felt warm to my hands. I realized then how bloody cold it was......

??/09
I was unsure, unsteady. I felt uprooted, like a giant oak which had been reduced to nothing more than a shriveled stump. My wits crumbled around me, my formidable tongue which had scared a dozen classmates off in primary school reduced to babbling incoherency. I tried to think of something, anything at all, but nothing came. My mind was stuck in a rut, I couldn't even remember the date. Someone proffered a hand, "Hi, my name is Jinhee, yours?"......

27/08
The plane landed without incident. I was in a kind of stupor. It wasn't that I was in disbelief, or depression or outrage or anything like that. It was a kind of benevolent or mildly suprised ambivalence really. It wasn't that I wanted, or for that matter didn't want to come. It was more like a mild resignation, a kind of indifferent acceptence of the way things were, the way things had to be. That is, that was how I felt then. I thought, "well theres nothing I can do anyway, nothing practical, nothing safe. So I didn't try, I didn't realize how much I'd regret it, and how bad I'd feel about regreting. Lifes like that I guess, it happens, and theres nothing you, or me, or anyone in the world can do about it......

21/09
I dodged into the library, and shrugged the cold out of my bones. It didn't bother me anymore. I guess, three layers of clothes helped, but it didn't bother me. I seated myself swiftly, and efficiently set up the laptop. A song came, unbidden to my mind. "Slow down, you move too fast. You got to make the moment last, Just, kickin down, the cobblestones. Lookin for fun and feelin groovy......I got no deeds to do no promises to keep. I'm baffled and drowsy and ready to sleep when the morning comes drop all its petals on me. Life I love you always groovy....."





pictures, later

So said Aerasio at 16:31