aerasio

Homesickness

When I left campus yesterday, I was thinking about the Praise Band and folks on campus and how cool they were and whatnot. Then it struck me that I had kinda gotten used to living here. I was in the 'land of the free', sure it bungled Iraq, threatened immigrants and has a pretty arrogant view of its place in the world but hey, its still the dream country of many people all around the world. I'm lucky to be here... right? I've been living here for around 2 and a half months now, my world hasn't fallen apart, I've made new friends, joined Christian fellowships. I'm getting decent grades and I'm eating fairly well (food in S'pore still better). Yet, when that thought came to my mind, somewhere whithin me, an alarm began to ring. Was I forgetting my roots? Was I forgetting what it meant to be Chinese, what it meant to sweat on a hot tropical day, what it meant to be Singaporean? What did that even mean? Is that even something that can be defined? Questions, queries and no answers.

When I got back home, we (me + the folks I'm staying with) went over to the Italian restaurant across the road for dinner. We sat down, it was a pleasant restaurant, but next to us sat this gang of (probably) High School teenage Bimbo's. They went on and on talking about completely inane subjects like makeup and what kind of boys they want in their classes and the like. That was strike one for America on my scoreboard. Thankfully, the pasta came and I ate it with the intensity of one determined to avoid becoming dumber (Ok so I'm exaggerating, its not like I couldn't stand them or hated them or anything, they were just mildly annoying).

Anyhow, they left while we were halfway through our meal and it was better after that. We talked about NS and what I would have to do when I came back for it. It would suffice to say that the result was strike one for Singapore. As we stepped outside, the wind gusted. It was bearable, and I enjoy being in cool temperatures every now and then, but Minnesotan weather is something else entirely. Strike two for America.

I came back home with Youwei and Seb on my mind. I remembered the time I spent jamming with the folks back home, and missed it. I thought about the bet I made with Luke, and how I was gonna fulfil it, just thinking about it made me kinda sad. I sat at my desk and took out the photos of home and school I had brought with me. I read the cards my friends had given me before I had left. I looked at the glass of wax, and the stuffed debate team, the memories playing in my mind's cinema. Strike three for America, I wanted to go home.

I dreamt that night of home, of Fairfield and anime and COGC, of Clarence and Sherman, Yunxing and Cheryl (and their respective gangs), of Jeanette and Pastor, Seb, Youwei and Char. I woke up with a pang, a pang of acute sadness.

And they told me I'd enjoy it here......


I realize that I've changed. I'm somewhat less sure of myself now. Less certain of what lies ahead, like I've finally come to the exit of the cave and can suddenly see the whole wide world before me. I wonder what I will do with my life. I wonder who I am and who I want to be. I realize that, all of a sudden, asian music is pretty cool, anime is better than lost, english music ain't all that and that chopsticks and chinese food are infinitely cooler than american cooking. Worries of race and ethnicity bother me less now for some reason, because I am without a doubt 100% Asian! Funny how being in a foreign country makes you feel about race. I see now that mayhap my newly acquired and almost obsessive like of Chinese and Japanese Music and Language is probably because I'm in America. Am I clinging to my roots? Am I discovering them? Oh the irony. I once thought I was an englishman because I spoke english, now I don't know what to think anymore. All I've learnt is a kind of sophisticated confusion; a Big "I DON'T KNOW". Is this really for the better? There is one thing I'm sure of, I want to live my dream, to grasp that which cannot be grasped, to for a certainty that which mankind has struggled with for millenia, to achieve that single most fundamental and joyous state.

Now if only I can figure out what the hell that is......

So said Aerasio at 15:40