aerasio

rambling

I know some people think I'm arrogant. I know sometimes I act the part too. I know that in a secret part of my mind, I like to think I'm better than everybody else, if only because I'm me. Yet theres another part of me that always wishes I was someone else, that always thinks that I'm a failure, a weakling, a coward. I sneer at overly social people, yet desire to be social myself. I look at anime cosplayers and Harry Potter fans as sad misguided souls enchanted with foolish escapist fantasies, yet often I consciously join their ranks in wishing that my life would play out like a manga from Shounen Jump Magazine. My entire of life I have been devoted to proving myself different from the everyone else, while simultaneously yearning to be a part of them.

Is that a contradiction? Am I romanticising my life needlessly?

My brother wrote once that, as a child, he thought he was the smartest boy in the world. How often have I thought the same? When I was a kid I didn't care much for thinking. I was enamoured with lego sets and toy cars and fighting with my little sister (who I love dearly). Somewhere along the line that changed. Apparently out of nowhere, dreams of greatness began popping up in my mind. Somehow, a sense of 'destiny' had been placed within my psyche. I was destined for great things, I was gonna be famous, I was gonna Change the World!

When did I begin thinking like that?

Was it when I watched Mission Impossible I for the first time? Did I want to be Tom Cruise? Maybe it was when I joined ELDDS, and everyone said that I had a really cool voice. Maybe not. Maybe it was the time I read a line from a website about giving a toast to all the troublemakers and revolutionaries in the world, because "the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do." The belief in the 'Big Man of History'.

Maybe it started the first time my Parents told me I was special. Then again, they told my siblings that too. All three of them. Which Parent doesn't tell their kids that?

The irony of it is that everyone in the world is unique, and because of that, no one really is. Sure, everybody is different, but nobody cares about those differences and will always lump people together into stereotypes and generalizations, whether they realize it or not. Here are afew common ones: The PMSing female teacher, the nagging and overly restrictive parent, the snotty, small-sized brat who's got a rich and powerful Dad in the ministry. We know these categories, we dump people in them all the time, and all the time, we give each other little indulgent winks and kid ourselves while we silently say "we're better than those sad losers".

How often do you think the snotty brat has done the same to you?

I know I've done it. Unconsciously, I classify people into three categories:
One: the complete and utter idiot. I consciously avoid any contact with these folks because their very presence makes me feel awkward and vexed. I'd like to smash some sense into them but am to cowardly to openly scold them. They either piss me off or leave me cold, depending on mood.
Two: the cool guy/ older brother figure. I gravitate towards them unconsciously, I try to impress them and think they're really cool. Unconsciously I mimic them, emulate them. Often they are people I've never met. They hold my unreserved respect and admiration and I am a naive idiot when I'm around them. I become the kind of person I would detest if I met.
Three: the chum and buddy. I take it as a solemn duty to be extremely critical when they start thinking seriously. I am overjoyed when I can discuss things with them, like the meaning of life, the universe and everything. I jam with them, joke with them, let them try to run me over with a bicycle, crazy shit like that.

Often these three categories blur themselves in my mind and people move through them fluidly, yet the categories remain. The irony is I know the categories, I know that I use them, and I know such usage is bad (stereotyping is a big bad evil, up there with racism and sexism and plagiarism) yet I can't really stop myself (everyone's a hypocrit in one way or another). I am a sinner who knows his sins and yet does not repent, and I feel all the worse for it.

In hindsight, I spent all my life trying to mark myself out as different, while at the same time trying my hardest to find people I could identify myself with and talk to and reach mutual understanding with. I was the same as everyone else really. In hindsight, I didn't try very hard at all. I thought I was working with a purpose, when all I was was mired in my own confusion.

Where am I at now?

I've found that the perfect friend, the one who knows when you're down, and knows you like the back of his hand, and shares all your joys and pain, your thoughts and secrets, the proverbial best friend, doesn't exist. There simply isn't anyone that perfect out there. We humans are an imperfect lot, and there isn't much I can do about it. I'm no 'Big Man of History', the world will not remember the name of JEREMY TAN ZHIYI. Even if, by some fluke of change it does, that memory will be mistaken, distorted to the purposes of popular imagination and sensationalization. In the face of the inexorable movement of time, all human accomplishment would appear to be in vain.

Why bother at all? Can we change the world? Do we need to?

Maybe we don't. The world after all is an awfully big place (regardless of any idioms or cliche'd proverbs to the contrary). Maybe all I need to change are the people around me, and the places around me, my little piece of the world. Is that selfish? Is the opposite more selfish?

All I know is, I'll settle for doing what I can.

Just like the folks at COGC, who should be leaving in a few hours for Kupang, West Timor.

God bless guys, change the world for Christ!

So said Aerasio at 16:20