aerasio

The Future?

Ignorance is bliss, don't worry about tomorrow, for it shall worry about itself, a child's carefree smile is the brightest in the world; what wonderful sentiments these are. Yet the dark clouds of worry still furrow my brow and darken my sight. Worries about grades, worries about life, worries about the future.

Not too long ago, I was a secondary school student. A rather carefree and irresponsible one, despite being captain of a debate team. I was horrendous at chinese, barely passable at math & physics, and almost failing chemistry. The only subjects I had going for me were english and literature, odd subjects to be good at by Singaporean standards. I was a bit of a loner, I had a bunch of friends here and there and truckloads of acquaintances, but I had no proverbial "best friend". No confidant or best bud.

In retrospect, that wasn't really true, I had more friends than I cared to count (or at least I think I do) I just never really counted them properly. I was perenially under the impression that I was the unpopular geeky kid who was friends with Wei Zhang and Matthew and Shawn Sim (Hey just because they're on the debate team doesn't mean I like them right? Stupid shallow Fairsians!).

Anyhow, mayhap because of a minority view that was expressed to me, I ended up thinking that the vast majority of Fairsians thought I was a nerd/geek/dork (pick your poison). Like I said, in hindsight, this wasn't really true (at least I hope so :P); but it got me thinking.

If my social skills in secondary school are this shitty, what am I gonna do when I get into the real world, office politics, power struggles, the Great Big Rat Race of Life!

What a bother.


Well, everything took a backseat when sec 4 came and I found myself whisked off to America in a cloud of GEDs, SATs and TOEFLs. I found myself in the middle of University 2 years early, bombarded with "what's your major?" and "Why Hamline?" and "what're you gonna do once you bust this joint?". I didn't really know. I still don't, and its currently a rather large worry in my mind.

I've toyed with ideas of occupations before, on this very blog even. Political science, literary analyses, historiography, anthropology, economics, both macro and micro, music, theater arts...... The list is seemingly endless, and the clues I have on how to choose seemingly nonexistent.

What am I going to do with my life?

What a bother.


Then there comes religion. What is God? Who is God? If God is omnipotent but evil, then he is a tyrant. If God is omnipotent and good, then whence cometh evil. If God is not omnipotent, then evil or good, why call him God? A simple logical question, the problem of evil. And I find myself without a convincing answer.

Will a wiser soul illumine the flaw here, for I have stared hard and long and cannot see it.

Yet religion is not dependent on logic, and regardless of rhetoric or argument I cannot deny that which I have seen, and that which I have felt. My senses tell me there is a God, and my faith tells me that he is good.

Yet the seed of doubt remains, buried in the darkness of my soul awaiting the ray of sin and temptation to grow it anew...

What a bother.


What of my country, my homeland, the place where I belong? Singapura! That sunny island in the sea. They're building casinoes now, Intergrated Resorts they're called. And I silently wonder, are we really headed in the right direction? The PM says so, and in keeping with Singaporean tradition: "If he say like dat, den mus be rite lah! Why you worry so much, you stupid ah!?"

Amidst the growing tide of competition, and the rising might and prosperity of our neighbors both near and distant, who can say what the future holds for our little red dot?

What a bother.


And the last worry I care to mention. My identity.

Who am I? Who am I to you? Is that the same? Should it be? Can it be?

Stupid philosophical questions that plague me. When I was a kid my folks asked me what our family was. "Well, Mom and Dad are Chinese, but Er Ge and Da Ge are English cos they speak English!" (Well something to that effect) My parents were very tickled, and repeat the story in front of dinner guests to this day, but the implicit question plagues me. What defines race? Is it birth and blood, or is it upbringing and society. Am I chinese simply because of skin colour, or is there a deeper connection that must be made?

What does it mean to be Jeremy?

What a bloody bother...

So said Aerasio at 11:08