A Little Distant
Its been a little over five months since I left. Its funny, this time last year, such a thing would have probably been inconceivable to me. I hardly talk to anyone back home anymore. I'm rarely online at the right times, given a 14 hour time difference, there are certain difficulties involved in that. I miss Sherman's jokes, Colin's foolery. I miss the big smiles of Evan and Yunxing, the lameness of Clarence. I miss my debaters, and Nabs and the rest of the gang. Believe it or not, I miss Ms Hia and Ms Wong, andyet, it feels... distant...
I'm not really into my classes this term. Mayhap, a little bit of the silver sheen of college has worn off. I wrote in the admission request that one of the reasons I applied was a thirst for knowledge, a desire to learn, to know, inspired by a witty line I read somewhere: "Knowledge is power, and I intend to be formidably armed" A little silly in retrospect. I am only a 16 year old, and as much as my mind likes the idea of single-mindedly pursuing knowledge for the idealistic goal of simply knowing 'the truth', I really miss home.
My parents got a nice house. Its got a big yard, a little tree platform in the back. A nice two car garage, a porch, a suite in the attic. We even put a table football table and a drum kit in the basement. It's everything a kid could want out of a house, bar a fast food outlet or something. Still, I find myself missing 6 Prince of Wales road. The house where I grew up; the people I grew up with. The street, the school, the hawker center, the bus stop, the canal, the people! Oh the people...
Its a drag being away, it really is and I wonder what was I sent here to do? What was I put on this continent to learn? Why did I come to America, to college, ripped away from the life I knew to this, so-called 'land of the free'!?
When do I get the answer?
Another kind of unease has also arisen in my mind. It's impossible not to change, impossible not to be unaffected by the people around you, at least for little mortal me. I feel like I'm making excuses, maybe I am. I've changed since coming here, and I'm not sure that it's for the better. I liked who I was, I cannot say the same for who I am. Before I left, Pastor Peter told me that I musn't become a liberal. I wonder whether I would be in his eyes now. Doubts and unease plague me. I know that when I finally go back, things will seem different. It's Singapore after all, where the constant is change. How much will it have changed, how much will I, have changed...
Novels were once deeply distrusted by critics. Just like the television and movies of today they were decried as evil influences that would corrupt the minds of the young and entrap them in worlds of fantasy and make-believe. Sometimes I think they were right, so much of our minds are taken with dreams and hopes of grand romance, dashing heroes and beautiful maidens, of epic adventures and rags to riches. Its nice to dream that everything would turn out the way you want it to. That maybe you'll get zapped by lightning and turn into a superhero, or maybe a little modest, just strike lucky and earn a ton of money in the stock market. Alas, the prospects of real life seem rather bleak. Not much in the way of fame and glory, or epic feats or undying glory. Time to change my thinking mayhap, revalue that which should be desired, get priorities straight, seek what really matters.
A hole in the shape of a certain someone that I need to fill...
I glaze over the blogs of my friends. O'level results just got out it appears. There is excitement, expectation, hope, anticipation. It comes through the words, an exuberance to life that I miss. I feel a little jaded, a little distant. Maybe it's the gloom of winter, the early darkness. Or maybe it's just the passing gloom of an angsty teenager who misses his friends...
I wanna be home, June 15th can't come soon enough...
So said Aerasio at 19:00
3 Comments:
I like this blog entry a lot. I actually live overseas as well and I'm a lot older. But I can clearly relate to that!
I miss Singapore.
I can relate to that ... to both not being online to catch my friends overseas enough, and of the distance.
There are so many things my American friends cannot relate to, but when I was in Singapore it was the other way round too ... it seems that once one has crossed the Rubicon, it will always be this way ... and so we search for those with similar situations.
:The house where I grew up; the people I grew up with. The street, the school, the hawker center, the bus stop, the canal, the people! Oh the people...
How I know this feeling! I was in Fairfield Primary two years, but I miss it like forever. How I miss Dover! A bridge to the back and I could run over to NUH (for food, dental appointents and other convenient things), ACSI and had access to people from Fairfield just across the road. The bus stop, yes!
I miss the MRT trips between Bishan and Dover where one just chilled out with friends for half an hour while perhaps discussing French homework.
See lor! You already write like the Americans one. Center? I used to write like that in elementary school but when I returned to Singapore and came back I resisted. ;-)
its cos I prewrite everything in word and let word do the spelling for me (which really just goes to show how awful microsoft's spell check is). Thats why I have a mix of American spelling and British spelling, not that that stuff matters anyway.
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