infotainment
uhh yeah so I got back from the 2007 Christian Int'l Student Conference and am chilling. There are pictures and stuff on Facebook which is the American equivalent of friendster, don't think there are too many Jeremy Tans in Hamline so I should be pretty easy to find.
Google it or something, not that any of you care enough to do that I suppose.
dream
I used to have aspirations, dreams, desires, I might even have thought of myself as ambitious. Like how I used to be into poetry. I wrote some, read some. Had a bunch of friends I knew who dabbled here and there. We wrote, we shared, we idly joked about writing books, earning lots of money, getting famous, that kinda thing. For a time, those idle words seemed like they could almost become a reality, a shimmering whisper in the clouds, a shadow of a realized dream. That time passed as I became a little wiser in the ways of the world.
Wiser perhaps... but still a fool...
Over my short lifespan I've indulged in many fantasies. Enamored with the worlds of fantasy and fiction I indulged in conjured universes and surreal anime. I entertained delusions of greatness and destiny, like the protagonist of a kung fu flick or role-playing game. I used to wonder daily what hidden powers I had yet to unlock, what wondrous abilities lay concealed in the depths of my psyche, my being. I imagined daily the glorious day when those wishes would be realized, when my telepathic prowess would be unleashed or my mastery of the elements. I fantasized about adventures and heroism, bravery and virtue, and grew ever more dissatisfied with loathsome reality.
A worldly utopia swept me in, engulfed and oblivious to the charms of a perfect world.
I joined the ranks of Singaporean secondary school students, and with me, my dreams stepped up a little. Now they were a touch more realistic. I dreamed of becoming a great debater, a great philosopher, or a great orator and speaker, and influencer and thinker, respected and honored. I fancied myself a modern Voltaire or Socrates. I figured myself qualified, my reasoning and logic were (as far as I knew) unmatched, aside from my brothers, no one my age had yet out-talked me. Everyone seemed to think I was smart, so I had to be. I became interested in the arts as well, developing my 'skills' in writing, dabbling in poetry, penning scripts for plays, throwing ideas for books and screenplays around, I thought myself a genius, I fancied myself capable, nay destined, for greatness...
What an arrogant, foolish, smart-ass I was...
As my fourth year of secondary school dawned, I had grown up a little. I still had my dreams, and aspirations, but I no longer thought them possible. I had consigned them to the heap of wishes that would never be answered. A stubborn hope remained, but reason and rationality had taken over, my wishes and wants, ambitions and aspirations lay beyond me, beyond reach. Or so I had convinced myself. Yet a part of me was unconvinced, a part of me still wanted to fantasize, to envision, to dream...
Was it arrogant of me? Wishful and naive? Should anyone be denied their aspirations, or are some just too foolish, too egotistical, too unrealistic?
Now my life is different. My priorities are different. Maybe my own life isn't that important.
My life,
my wishes,
my dreams. Maybe they don't matter so much. Maybe faith should matter more, faith in love, faith in the truth, faith in God. Life seems too vital, too precious and just too big to leave to the interests and wants of a single person. Life seems simply too important to be hoarded, and restricted to just one man, maybe it ought to be shared. Shared, in its entirety, every laugh and smile, and every moan and cry, shared with the ones you love, the ones you know, the ones you meet on the street. With anyone at all.
Life should never be caged. Man was never intended for solitude.
I still have dreams, wishes, aspirations. There are things I still long for, but they are no longer just my own. Those dreams that I seek for myself, they have a backseat, a calling number in a long and precious waitlist. There is a greater dream, a greater calling, one that transcends human endeavors and struggles, one that bears the purpose of the entire universe, the ultimate quest, the ultimate question and it is not my own. A dream of a humanity united, in service to each other and worship to the One God...
It is not mine to realize, nor any other Christian's, but God's and God's alone to bring to fruition through us.
And that perhaps, is a dream worth clinging to...
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. (Matthew 6:33 King James Version)
Act
I was sitting on the grass near the bus stop yesterday, waiting for the bus to come. It was getting close to nightfall, like how Singapore looks at around 5 or 6. A black guy came along, he looked a little disheveled, clothes a little worse for wear, but he had a big smile on his face. "How you doing?" he asked me as he walked in my direction, smiling. "I'm good, how bout you?" I replied, removing the earphones from.. well.. my ear.
The details are fuzzy now remembering it, but he said something about not doing too well. We exchanged names and shook hands. He told me that him and his wife had just got into St Paul from Michigan, and that they had no friends here and were looking for a place to stay the night. He asked me whether I knew where the Salvation Army was, explaining in case I didn't know that it was a shelter for 'people in need'. I listened, glancing occasionally to his left to watch for the bus. His wife had him had been walking since 5 am in the morning, he told me as he continued, she apparently was a chef, a diabetic one at that, and the walking had been very hard on her. I glanced around, but she was nowhere in sight, a tinge of suspicion arose in my mind.
He asked me for help, "anything at all, anything you can give me, I'll take anything" his voice had quietly risen, a subtle tone of urgency underneath it. The bus arrived, cutting him short. "I'd love to help" I said "but I'm an international student here and I don't have anything on me, sorry man". He walked away without a word, disappointment written on his face. My excuse ringing in my head, I ran up the bus to the impatiently honking bus driver who was glaring at the black man, and promptly forgot about the whole thing...
As I think about it now, I wonder, did I do the right thing? I had money in my pocket, a bus card in hand, I could've helped him... but I didn't. At the same time I wonder, why wasn't he with his wife, comforting her, and why would he tell such things to a stranger? The obvious common sense answer: he was a fake trying to con me into giving him some cash.
Or maybe he was genuine, and was desperately in need of help.
I wondered. And, even if he was a fake, even if all he was trying to do was to get some money from me, should I have turned him away? Jesus called us to be servants right? To do unto others as you would have others do unto you, the golden rule. Should I not have tried to help him in anyway I could, regardless of his intentions? And if they were ill, should I not have turned my other cheek and helped him anyway?
Can I in good conscience say that I did the right thing?
The answer seems to be a no to me, a humbling proof of my selfishness, my worldliness. Knowing this now though, if I had the chance to go through something like that again, what would I do?
What would you do?
As I sat on the bus on the way home, listening to my I-River, the song "Down Once More" from Phantom of the Opera ended, to be replaced by "Yellow Submarine" by the Beatles. 'What a change of mood', I thought, 'bar maybe some heavy metal that's probably as dramatic a difference as you'll find in music'.
Oh how quick man is to forget his own iniquities.
All done... for now
3 minutes ago, I finished my last exam for Spring semester. And now I'm... not... quite... sure... what... to do. Funny how exams leave you like that.
I'll be flying back home in almost exactly one month, that's four weeks, 30 days, 720 hours and so on. Campus is nearly deserted, despite the beautiful weather of springtime, it seems such a shame.
Will probably go play some GuildWars now, see you all some time soon.
Cheers :)
The end of Spring Semester
Its the last week of classes for spring semester. I have a macroeconomics assignment due tomorrow, two exams on Friday, a guitar Jury and philosophy paper due on Monday and a macroeconomics exam on the coming Wednesday. Things are really busy. I'm getting a job come fall as a mentor to international students. Have a training session for it tomorrow, it's gonna be great, but right now things are really busy. A month and a week till I'm back in Singapore, cheers! I'm really busy now though. I'm being repetitive aren't I?
Cheers, hope your week has been less crazy than mine.
Moonshadow
Oh, I am being followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
Leapin and hoppin on a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
And if I ever lose my hands, lose my plough, lose my land,
Oh if I ever lose my hands, oh if.... I wont have to work no more.
And if I ever lose my eyes, if my colours all run dry,
Yes if I ever lose my eyes, oh if.... I wont have to cry no more.
Oh, I am being followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
Leapin and hoppin on a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
And if I ever lose my legs, I wont moan, and I wont beg,
Yes if I ever lose my legs, oh if.... I wont have to walk no more.
And if I ever lose my mouth, all my teeth, north and south,
Yes if I ever lose my mouth, oh if.... I wont have to talk...
Did it take long to find me? I asked the faithful light.
Did it take long to find me? and are you gonna stay the night?
I am being followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
Leapin and hoppin on a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
Moonshadow, moonshadow. Moonshadow, moonshadow....
See a video
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