Inertia
I slump in my seat at a library computer, typing a blog post for lack of something better that I feel like doing. Final assignments loom, but I know I can finish them later. I don't really feel like doing anything, don't feel anything particular but depressed and bored, and also mildly hungry... My friend and his girl chat lovingly at a nearby table. They seem happy, and I am happy for them, happy enough to go "awww" mentally. Its just a mental thing though, on the outside I am apathetic, indifferent, coldly critical and silent. I am disatisfied with myself, 2 years after those idle words came flying out of her mouth to crush me in the gut, I am unchanged. Or am I?I want to make a commitment, a goal, to be less pessimistic, less negative, less apathetic. I want to care, to show I care, to love and be loved in return. It seems naive, pompous, silly and foolish... yet I cannot like who I am now.
Can a person change himself, or does it take intervention from the outside, a divine intervention perhaps... To strive always to improve oneself and grow closer to the image of Christ, is that not what it means to be Christian? Can we better ourselves through our own efforts, or are we wholly dependent on another's aid? And does it matter which?
I want to do something! I am discontent with this stasis; discontent to remain where I am. Life should contain a movement, a conflict, a certain kind of moral inertia: but how does one start it, set it in motion? 'Jesus' seems like the obvious Christian answer, 'Jesus', 'God', 'the Bible'... all these are at once clear to me, yet what do those answers mean? Do I read more of the Bible? Do I sign myself up for more classes at Church? Do I go and meditate in a cave somewhere fasting and praying till I achieve enlightenment? What do I do!?
It feels like I have the answer, but I can't think of it. It lurks in my sub-conscious, refusing to show itself.
How do you get out of a rut you can't see, or the hole you want to remain in? How do you change yourself to be a better person? I will ponder this as I sit around idling, lets hope it turns out well...
So said Aerasio at 16:31
3 Comments:
I think pondering is a good start. I'm thinking several other things as well, and it may be good to talk about them sometime soon. I have a book to lend that I think may help.
But yeah, we should talk.
Thanks Richard!
hmm... that's definitely a good question... :/ i think that changing from the inside isn't something we as humans can do ourselves... as to how we can go about that, i don't know :( i feel like ultimately everything that we ourselves try to do won't come to fruition unless it's really what God wants for us too... but i guess one of the biggest things we can also do is to pray. hmm.... :/
good luck either way, with your ponderings and with finding movement in your life :) and good luck with your stuffs! :D
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