aerasio

Thoughts on the future....

It's five days into the new year... and I am unsure of how to feel. For a long time now, I've felt that there was always a paradox within me, within my thoughts... it feels like I am always caught between differing perspectives, contrasting desires. On the one hand, there is a boundless optimism that is confident, positive; and on the other there is a side that is eternally doubtful, uneasy and yet also pragmatic and perhaps truer? A part of me draws me wants to jump into the fray, to be a paragon of capability and industry, and yet another just wants to sit around and play Guild Wars. A part of me wants to be the brainy intellectual, to be the know-it-all who has the answers for everything; and another realizes that that's impossible and more than a little arrogant, and yet this point of view is arrogant in its own way as well.

What all this leads up to is that I am usually quite confused and unsure about who I want to be, who I am even...

This translates into a rather mixed view of the future. I feel like there are things I must do. Promises that must be fulfilled; grades that must be maintained; skills that must be improved... most importantly, certain words that have to be said...

But another part of me just wants to put it all off, ignore it until everything becomes irrelevant...

Things like becoming a better Christian, being true to the feelings and thoughts suppressed in my mind, becoming a better musician, writing down all the products of random moments of creativity, they all are such self-evidently good things, such obviously positive goals... yet, at the same time, it sometimes seems like the will and determination necessary to carry them out is lacking. Sometimes, it's almost as though the effort isn't worth it. Or sometimes it seems like the determination one builds up painstakingly over the course of weeks of mental preparation just fizzles when I am confronted with the task.

In the end, it means little if you cannot take the final step and put the words to paper (or someone's ears depending on the situation).

But from all this, I can draw a conclusion, a manifesto for action if you will: I must act, or at least work at the problem of inaction. Maybe I'll give up on video games like I've been telling Koree for the past few weeks. Maybe I'll actually see about that band thing with Andy and the others. Maybe I'll... The point is that a step must be made...

Let's hope I can take it.


On the brightside, it seems I've changed a little since I left Singapore. The other day, I talked with Clarence over msn. "You've changed" he said, the old Jeremy would've dealt with his own point of view first, passed his own moral judgement and damned everyone else's ideas to hell. I agreed with him then, but I wonder on it now. Can I genuinely consider something from another person's perspective? Am I capable of such empathy?

I'm a biased source I think, but I'd like people to tell me, to show me my flaws. I toyed once with the idea of carrying a small notebook around and asking friends to note in it what they would like to see changed about me. Maybe I should...

or maybe I'll just stop rambling and get on with life. Later folks...

So said Aerasio at 00:15