Mildly Paradoxical
Jeremy spent most of today jamming in the basement of a Frat house instead of doing what he was going to do (which admittedly was probably not very much anyway). "I Like Music" he concludes, and starts feeling rather hungry because somewhere along the way, he forgot to eat dinner.
He is mildly content, but also mildly disatisfied, and in this paradoxical way, he continues about his business, ambling along the thoroughfares of the internet, typing rather sedately in the far dark corner of Sorin's computer lab.
He looks at the sandwich he bought from Super America, and decides to leave the dark grasp of free internet access and eat it.
The end.
Piece of Mind
Sometimes there's a part of me that is such a hopeless romantic: a part who thinks that there'll always be a happy end, who thinks that the perfect place to be would be a nice green meadow with a gentle breeze or a field of blooming sunflowers, or anywhere with a pretty sunrise/sunset. Then there's the other part of me that wants to take that part, strangle it, decapitate it, stuff it into a body bag and dump it into Marina Bay where it will rot and ruin Singapore's economy by scaring away tourists.
Talk about double think.
I walked to the park again earlier this week. The streets were icy, the air cold, but it felt like it was something I needed to do... so I did, and trudged through the Minnesotan weather toward...
What? What was it I was looking for? Why did I want to stand there again, alone in the freezing air?
I guess I wasn't sure myself.
However, I went anyway, passing by the same houses and trees that I did a season ago. There was something strangely tragic about it, something infinitely depressing about seeing everything that was once bright and merry covered in a blanket of foggy white. The dogs we had played with and laughed at no longer barked or ran outside. The elementary school across the road was silent, no kids were running out to play in the golden sun of before. The neighborhood felt empty, deserted except for the occassional car sputtering through the icy streets. It was a lonely place to be...
The park itself was emptier still, or as much so as it could be. It was as though a stasis had descended upon the area, leaving it devoid of feeling or happiness. I looked back at the memories I had of it, the many times spent with friends, and squirrels, and her... and I looked up to the bleak sky and sat there and prayed...
I felt better and walked back to my life, away from the
park of the past...
I had a dream yesterday that I played at a gig with Belle and Sebastian, it was awesome. I woke up and was pleased with myself.
The end.
If you think to yourself, “What should I do now?”
Than take the baton, and girl, you better run with it.
'Cause there is no point in standing in the past cause it’s over and done with.
From "If She Wants Me" by Belle and Sebastian
Thoughts on the future....
It's five days into the new year... and I am unsure of how to feel. For a long time now, I've felt that there was always a paradox within me, within my thoughts... it feels like I am always caught between differing perspectives, contrasting desires. On the one hand, there is a boundless optimism that is confident, positive; and on the other there is a side that is eternally doubtful, uneasy and yet also pragmatic and perhaps truer? A part of me draws me wants to jump into the fray, to be a paragon of capability and industry, and yet another just wants to sit around and play Guild Wars. A part of me wants to be the brainy intellectual, to be the know-it-all who has the answers for everything; and another realizes that that's impossible and more than a little arrogant, and yet this point of view is arrogant in its own way as well.
What all this leads up to is that I am usually quite confused and unsure about who I want to be, who I am even...
This translates into a rather mixed view of the future. I feel like there are things I must do. Promises that must be fulfilled; grades that must be maintained; skills that must be improved... most importantly, certain words that have to be said...
But another part of me just wants to put it all off, ignore it until everything becomes irrelevant...
Things like becoming a better Christian, being true to the feelings and thoughts suppressed in my mind, becoming a better musician, writing down all the products of random moments of creativity, they all are such self-evidently good things, such obviously positive goals... yet, at the same time, it sometimes seems like the will and determination necessary to carry them out is lacking. Sometimes, it's almost as though the effort isn't worth it. Or sometimes it seems like the determination one builds up painstakingly over the course of weeks of mental preparation just fizzles when I am confronted with the task.
In the end, it means little if you cannot take the final step and put the words to paper (or someone's ears depending on the situation).
But from all this, I can draw a conclusion, a manifesto for action if you will: I must act, or at least work at the problem of inaction. Maybe I'll give up on video games like I've been telling Koree for the past few weeks. Maybe I'll actually see about that band thing with Andy and the others. Maybe I'll... The point is that a step must be made...
Let's hope I can take it.
On the brightside, it seems I've changed a little since I left Singapore. The other day, I talked with Clarence over msn. "You've changed" he said, the old Jeremy would've dealt with his own point of view first, passed his own moral judgement and damned everyone else's ideas to hell. I agreed with him then, but I wonder on it now. Can I genuinely consider something from another person's perspective? Am I capable of such empathy?
I'm a biased source I think, but I'd like people to tell me, to show me my flaws. I toyed once with the idea of carrying a small notebook around and asking friends to note in it what they would like to see changed about me. Maybe I should...
or maybe I'll just stop rambling and get on with life. Later folks...
